let's hear it for the boys

Wanted you to know...

2012-01-05T20:57:00.003-05:00

With the passing of a sweet friend this week, eternity has been on my mind in a big way. And, not just eternity, but peace for this life here on earth... If you need grace, peace, mercy, courage, strength or humility. In case you're "seeking"... it's worth pointing out that a faith in Christ is not elusive. It couldn't be more simple. Faith in Christ isn't about pixie dust, a preacher, a crystal ball, special God gear or anything confusing at all. Living a life with Christ starts as simply as you and Him.

(If you don't like religion, He understands and it's no wonder, it's man made. If you know Christian hypocrites, they're human. Just like all of us.)

This is about you. Faith happens by acknowledging Him in your life (in any way, He doesn't mind informality). It doesn't take a 10 minute prayer with flourishes.

Simply, "God, I put my faith in you." or "Jesus, I trust you. Help me to see." or "God, I want to believe and I do." or "Jesus, remember me when You come into Your kingdom." Luke 23:42

It starts there and it never ends. Jesus sensed faith and belief when a follower touched his cloak in a crowd of people. (Mark 5:25-34) He can sense yours' as well. He's there and he's already got you covered. :)

"Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." James 4:8

And, so the "relationship" builds, just like any other relationship builds and you come to know Him by praying, listening to His voice and getting to know Him even better through His Word.

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me." Revelation 3:20

I pray you come to know Him and know Peace.

"And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep Christ's love is." Ephesians 3:18

Praying for you to meet the greatest friend you will ever know,

Rebekah

2011 falls away...

2011-12-31T22:19:00.006-05:00

David Boyd and his daughter, Izzy

I am back tonight at the end of 2011 for a little blogging therapy.

I can honestly say that this year has been transformative, big girl panties are definitely on hand at this point. In the past year, I have had to put my prayer life in overdrive. Life and death are all around me. First with the loss of Isabella McLeod, and the survival of her twin Ian McLeod, who celebrated his 1st birthday last month. Then, again, praying my heart out for Caroline Ingle's battle with leukemia and simaltaneously begging God for David Boyd's life and healing against this dreadful Lymphoma. The sudden and tragic loss of Max Erickson, who was survived by his sweet wife, and new baby. Finally, my middle brother narrowly escaped death in August and we all held our breath as we saw him survive through a miracle. Sweet David Boyd's illness drags on and Caroline is in remission and rebuilding her immune system and life. (Thanks be to God.)

My mind spins as I run through this list of life moments. Lots of life in 2011. In the midst of all of these things, I have been pushed out there---(against my will) and have started to live my faith more "out loud" and listening and learning from God every step of the way. It is hard to do. It doesn't come easily at all and I question myself every step of the way. In the past year, reaching out from myself and being, quite frankly, uncomfortably engaged in the plight and fight of others and sharing God's love where I sense him tugging and leading me to share. It isn't easy, it takes courage, which I am constantly scraping my soul to find and piece together. It's the fumbling, bumbling thing called empathy. I think. A chance to show the love of Christ.

God has taught me so much in the process.

"Let go. Let God." You've heard this before and Really? What about life tied up in a pretty package with ribbon, satin... With all of the edges perfectly folded and the most perfect bow on top. Really?

Is this what we expect? Do we expect perfection and life without hiccups, speed bumps, detours and sudden tragedy. Yes. In many ways we do. We beg and pray for this. I know I do.

I have argued with God all year. I have wondered why and how and when? I have thirsted for answers from our Sovereign God who is omnipresent (ever present), omnipotent (all powerful), omniscient(all knowing) and full of grace. And, we, in contrast, know nothing. Absolutely nothing. Incredible.

Still we struggle with faith.

In theory, I think we weren't initially created for death. When God created Adam and Eve, he didn't create them to die, he created them to live. I think this is why we often struggle with illness and the looming threat of death. We are frightened, inexperienced and ripped apart by the thought of an end. Our minds can't bear the thought. We can't wrap our brains around loss of any kind and grief is so gnarled and confusing to navigate through. It's devastating, there's no way around it. Boooom, there it is.

This year, my faith has been a staircase of understanding. I am riding down these stairs and each time I land on a new stair, God reveals to me one more thing, and I understand more about His revelations and His plans.

My staircase \_

I pray. So, for all of the questioning and the confusion around why these things happen, I pray. God has me close at hand and he has drawn so many close through this time. Isn't that beautiful. Suddenly, inexplicably, we are nearer to Him. My faith has grown. All of these beautiful flowers of faith growing in the midst of tragedy.

God is with us. Always. Even if the journey is rough and full of struggle, He is there. He doesn't promise to keep us from all worry and tragedy, but He promises to carry us through.

Peace. If we pray for God's peace to come, it will. It does.

Healing can be in all different forms. It can happen in the soul, in the mind, in the body or in others all around you. Have we not been healed a million times over this year? I think I have.

Struggle is inevitable. If not for the bad, would we ever have had cause to look up and seek Him? Would we just pat ourselves on the back and feel pride in our smooth lives? We are a needy people. 2011 has needed God. I have needed Him for sure.

Pray. Not always eloquent, not always on schedule, but pray and talk to God, candidly. He wants to know us like that, informally and intimately.

Go. When you hear that still, small voice prick your heart to pray, make a call, make a difference, GO. Sometimes, we should pray and sometimes we should be the answer to that prayer. (Andy Stanley) No matter how foolish it feels, step out and respond to the tug at your heart.

Perspective. If God was painting a huge, grand canvas, (as illustrated at NPCC years ago with Louie Giglio) and we could only see a tiny speck of that canvas, would we still find it beautiful? Likely, no. But, do we have faith in the Artist? I do. Do you?

Faith. He has answered all our prayers and I will wait with anticipation to see what the answer is.

At this very moment, David Boyd is home for good, now in hospice care. He has battled cancer for over a year and has fought the most beautiful fight imaginable. A fight I didn't even know was possible. He has never complained. He has wanted no sympathy and thousands have looked on, praying and hoping against hope that the Lymphoma would clear. My prayers are for he and his young family, his 3 precious brothers and his parents and for every good thing to come to them now, making each moment they have together another moment full of God's peace, grace and care.

In 2011 I have spent the year, involuntarily, growing my faith in my Lord.

Happy New Year? Not really. It is a sobering, somber New Year, but I will take it, I wouldn't have it any other way. Because when my brothers and sisters hurt, I hurt and that's OK. He understands. I am grateful for every stair and every revelation. He is there. I promise.

'Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know.' Jeremiah 33:3

On second thought, "Happy New Year," because that canvas is beautiful, no matter how tiny my view may be.

Rebekah

this old man, he played nine (months)

2011-07-10T16:24:00.008-04:00

A pesky Cheerio :)
During Sam's snack, a little mishap and the Cheerio hung on after Sam was eating Cheerios like popcorn.

Sam is already nine months old!!!! He is our jolly, docile, content, patient Sammy Sam Sam. (as Bodie named him ~and the nickname stuck.)

Because Sam has cut SIX teeth at one time on top (to accompany his two on the bottom), he has graduated to eating pieces of fruit cut up on his tray, soft roasted vegetables and he had his first hot dog and tater tot dinner this week! He LOVED the tater tots. :) Who doesn't? Don't judge, we Hudgins folk don't look down on the hot dog, people.

He has started sitting up and can sit up by himself for bath time! This is thanks to his daddy for constantly sitting him up and helping "to strengthen his back and abs..." THANKS DADDY! This has also lead to Sam pulling up, much to his surprise. He pulls up on the leather couch and the cutest surprised look appears on his face when he does!!!

He had his 9 month well visit this week and he had a PPD skin test, a toe prick and a shot in the thigh. He didn't even cry until the last shot came. He was SUCH a big boy!! The nurse was very impressed with his toughness. So was his mommy! Jack and Bodie could hardly believe he was so tough, I think they were most impressed of all.

He has started clapping when we say, "yea!" And, he is beginning to wave bye-bye. He is also touching his nose when we ask him to~ and he is REALLY good at grabbing our noses when we ask! :)

He loves all of us, so much and the feeling is mutual. He is so happy when David makes his way to Sam when he gets home from work. Sam seems to absolutely melt in his Daddy's arms. So precious! Most of the time, he is so glad for a game of peak a boo with Jack and Bodie, or just to be in the same room with them makes him overjoyed.Sam and Jack

Sam and Bodie :)

We are loving having our baby Sam learn and grow... and love us right back.

eavesdropping

2011-07-07T12:52:00.003-04:00

Jack was "reading" his Bible (really a kids devotional book) to Bodie...

"Jack, God didn't make the sun all the way up in the sky, did he?!" Bodie asked

Jack replied, "Yes He did..."

Bodie went on, "how did he climb all the way up there?"

"Hold on, Bodie, I think that we can find that on page 20, let's find out." *precious*

"Jack, did God make costumes?" (Bodie thinking of the single most precious thing in the world to him.)

"No, Bodie, people make costumes."

"Does God make the boys?"

"Yes, Bodie. God makes the boys."

Does God make the girls----- toooooo!???

Jack answers patiently, "yes, He makes the girls, too."

(How could God go so wrong...?)
Bodie's big brother is leading the way.

Just a regular Thursday afternoon sprinkled with musings and goodness. :)

just like that

2011-06-30T00:00:00.002-04:00

(This Photo, Courtesy of my dear friend, Greer.)

Our boys~ June 2011
Jack (5 1/2), Sam (8 months) and Bodie (3 1/2)

In the past week, Sam has started crawling. Ahem, Jack has started reading, (my life's work is done) and I have just rung in 10 years of marriage with my best friend. Oh Voy~ Ye Vepraskas Clan! Hooray! :)

Firstly, Sam has been such a docile kid, in no rush to move around and certainly in no rush to push out of my arms. Until now. He is making sudden moves and jerks and inching, stretching and moving all around, there's no stopping him. He holds his face in an expression on wonderment and purpose. It is precious to behold.

He is also cutting SIX teeth on top at one time! Poor baby. He doesn't complain a bit, though. David and I are tied with the boys on who loves him the most. It's a 4 way split. :) Jack and Bodie could not be more smitten with their little brother. The morning welcoming committee when Sam wakes is fit for a king. HE MATCHES THEM COO FOR COO.

Secondly, as Bodie can often steal the show with his Spiderman make believe and general spunky zest for life, this update is solely for Bodie's favorite big brother, Jack.

Jack is reading!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so proud and he is semi annoyed/surprised/delighted by my celebratory spin on his progress. He starts kindergarten in just 4 short weeks. So, last week, we began sounding out words, then stringing the sentences together. We started with nursery rhymes and moved to a great beginner book called "Dick and Jane." It's a classic. A very long book with many short stories full of beginner words.

When I was given the book when Jack was born, by a dear lady named Jaye Batchelor, I thought, "well this book isn't fun to read to Jack. It's got no flow, rhythm and the words are so simple." But, five years later, it is very fun for him to read and helps build his confidence and build his reading muscles. It's funny when your children are younger, you can/could never imagine them at the stage five years later when he would need a book just like this. A book for reading "self serve"... We have called all of his grandparents and aunts and read to them over the phone and in person. The only thing I haven't done so far is my triple toe touch. :)

A little background. I was talking with Erin W., just catching up last week. She mentioned that her nephews read the whole time they were on their vacation--for a week. Her twin nephews are 7, almost 8. It dawned on me --that if I was going to get Jack excited about reading, I needed to get going. How wonderful to give Jack the gift of reading and falling in love with books.

Also, he was going to be learning how to read in kindergarten and I, selfishly, wanted to be the one who taught him. I started that day working with him. June 21st. He was ready, too. After a year of Pre-K, it was just a matter of him actually reading. He just needed my help. We did it together. I. Am. So. Proud. Folks!

Finally, I married my best friend 10 years ago today. What a milestone! The road through the past 10 years has certainly, sometimes been rocky. We had a lot to figure out about this husband/wife job we started + parenting, oh my! In those first years of figuring each other out, and growing up... I could not have ever imagined the life he would give me.

I love him. I laugh with him. I feel so blessed that we love and adore our children in exactly the same way. (Let me explain, "baby look at his little curl, isn't it so cute?" {insert David indulging me for 5 minutes about how adorable said adorable thing is, squared.} I respect him. (Which I hear is a critical component.) I think he is SO smart and he protects us and takes care of us. He means everything to me and then he fathers our three boys in a way that melts my heart each day.

We had a great dinner at our favorite place, marking this milestone with some excellent food
at The Capital Grille. David asked me a pointed question, "what will the next ten years look like?" He went on, "In ten years we will have a 15 year old son, a 13 year old son and a 10 year old son." After laughing with him a little about a career change, I answered, "Mostly, in the next ten years, I just want to focus on Jack and Bodie and Sam, and raising them to be well rounded, confident and happy gentlemen. I said, it is hard to believe they will be formed in concrete in the next 10 years, all of their intellectual, moral wiring and their personality traits are going to hard wired by then. Then, I realized that they already are. The boys are forming everything and have formed almost everything now. It makes me/us realize the job at hand is nothing we can wait on. It's here, it's now. David and I continue to ready ourselves for this uphill challenge. It never ends. That's okay, these boys are very worth every amount of effort it takes.

I know I am blessed and I thank my Savior for his goodness and grace. And for four of the best boyfriends in the whole wide world. :) Everything is not perfect. But in the moments I can remember to be mindful and thankful for exactly where I am, I am so eternally grateful.

the lump in my throat. :*)

2011-05-27T16:11:00.006-04:00

August 2010 (before)

May 2011 (After)

A new day began today. The day that Jack became a kindergartner. I am a mixture of happy and sad and overwhelmed that this day has come so fast and that the "getting bigger" milestones for Jack, Bodie and Sam are just getting more fast and furious. It almost hurts.

Today Jack said to me, "I am a kindergartner now, I can pour my Coke by myself. Mom? May I have Coke?" "I am a big kindergartner now, mom, I can cross the street at Publix and I will not even get smooshed because I am such a big kid that the cars can see me now." "Mommy, I am a little scared about being a big boy now and actually, going to a new school with big kids scares me." I tried to clear the lump from my throat and said, "Jack, new schools can be scary, you're right. But, you know what? We have 62 days to think about that. Let's just have the best Summer ever right now and we'll worry about kindergarten in August. Besides, you will learn your way around and explore your new school, like a big adventure, and pretty soon, it will feel just like home. Just like College Heights did. I love you, Jack."

I love our exchanges through the rear view mirror when I am driving. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

We all loved his teacher, all 5 of us. She told us all she loved us every time she saw us and you could tell she meant it. She was very fun, active and enthusiastic about learning. The best combination for a Pre-K teacher. Today, when I hugged her for the last time, I said, "You exceeded every expectation we had, I love you." Happy tears are the best kind. I sure will miss Ms. Shewan.

It is hard to believe that we started this past school year as 4. We are SOOOO five now. ;)
The day, year and this season have all ended with us feeling really very blessed. Thank you, Lord, for each and every gift.

Starting Something

2011-04-13T22:48:00.010-04:00

A little peak inside my soul. During the season of Lent, I have changed some things around. A little adjusting. No big deal. I am fasting via Facebook (FB) for the Lenten season. Also, I am working hard to be more diligent with my quiet time. Really reading the word (Life Application Study Bible NIV) and praying. I wasn't willing to do an actual food fast because I am still nursing Baby Sam. I have had many quiet, but poignant "ah-ha" moments since Ash Wednesday marked the beginning of Lent.

A couple of things have happened...

I am not sidetracked with FB and I feel inspired to blog.
I am doing a better job writing down my children's adorable musings. (This is thanks to my Aunt Gayle who reminded me what a treasure my blog will be to my children one day.) Oh, my kids? I had only really thought of how I love my blog, but how great would it be for Jack, Bodie and Sam to know my love for them as a young mother and how I treasure their words and thoughts? Not to mention recording what those sweet words were! Pretty fantastic.
The baby books are caught up and the babies they honor are happy.
I get this sense that I am always bumbling, struggling, striving not to feel like a complete train wreck. To keep me, my home, my kids and my state of mind at somewhat of a homeostasis. My FB fast has helped a lot.
I am reading passages from the Book of Common Prayer. It's a chunk of daily Bible reading and I have grown to love it.
All of this reading made me curious and I have dug in to find out who some of these authors really were and what they were all about.
I have learned that Psalms is a model of Christian life. (I was a little lost as the Psalms seemed to be "all over the place" if you read very many.) Some Psalms are mountain top moments and some are valley bound. They are written during praising, mourning, war time and peace. This simple fact helps me to understand where the Psalmist are coming from. There are also 8+ authors of Psalms, so the fact that the flow is wonky is no surprise. If it is a model of our lives, my life and flow are wonky, too, sometimes. :)
That Jeremiah (the author of my life's verse) was a prophet and no one in Judah listened. He faithfully advised the people for 40 years and everyone ignored his prophesies. He was never what the world would have considered "a success." But, his scriptures inspire me so.
That Paul, in his letter to the Romans, had only heard of the church being started there. He did not know the Roman church, nor had he ever been there. But, he wrote to them to encourage them and teach them what he knew about the Christian faith. Which gives us this awesome road map for faith and our belief in Jesus Christ.
A few days into Lent, my Aunt Teddi encouraged a group of ladies at a prayer breakfast to "Pray the Word daily." I have. It's funny when someone's words ring in your ears. I put down all of my devotionals that gave me a thimble full of scripture and I picked up the Good Book.
A friend of mine named, Lisa, told me the same day, that she was mentoring some young ladies and she found that they "weren't reading their Bibles!" (a little embarrassed, her words stung). Don't worry, Lisa, in a good way. A kick in the pants is quite often a good thing. Her words are ringing in my ears, too.
My pastor and I talked briefly about the daily scripture readings (which are encouraged church wide and beyond.) I asked what he does before he reads his scripture, trying to get a roadmap, an owner's manual, an idea of how this Bible reading goes? I asked, "Do you pray for clarity or for direction?" He said, "I just pray a very simple prayer and pray for peace and then I dig in." He went on, "If we believe as Christ taught that the Bible is the bread of life, it is like eating. We need to eat everyday to live. But, we don't always need for our meal to be fantastic, we just need to have food to sustain our bodies. We will eat a great meal, every other week, perhaps, maybe more often. Scripture reading is very similar. It won't always be fantastic, but it will sustain you and when you do have a really dynamite revelation, it will stand out, just like a dynamite meal. Relax - in - the - word."
Really? Wow. His simple advice has meant the world to me. I am able to relax and not wait for God to hit me over the head with revelations and signs and wonders. For the first time, I am not stressed out when reading the Bible, which is awesome.
Our church observes Lent and being raised Baptist, this is all kind of new to me. It really has been a great experience. I am listening. "Hello God, I've got my ears on."
I have sweet memories of waking up with the sunrise at my grandmother's house. Baba would be curled up in her chair, reading her Bible. Sometimes, she would be praying (with Bible in hand) or just finishing her quiet time. I feel connected to her now as I spend time reading the scriptures. I treasure this.
I called my Aunt Carole and thanked her for this big Bible that she gave to me the weekend I graduated from the University of Georgia. It is this huge lug of a Bible that has mainly been read on Sundays. It is 12 years old and for the first time, I have really begun to study with it. She doesn't remember giving it to me. Funny and true. She signed the inside, so, I give her credit anyhow. :) You don't really know the impact you make on others. Thank you to my Aunt Gayle, my Aunt Teddi, my Baba, my Aunt Carole, my pastor, Kris McDaniel and my friend, Lisa Inlow for helping to make my Lenten-fast pack a punch.

Fondly,

this old man, he played six

2011-04-11T23:03:00.008-04:00

We spent the weekend in Savannah, Georgia celebrating the Duncan wedding with some good friends. David and I took Sam along with us and the big boys stayed home with my brother, Robert, and his wife Leslie and their two children, Hannah and Caleb, whom our children adore. They never missed us, but we missed Jack and Bodie! Just a little. :)

Sam LOVED being an only child and David and I enjoyed him very much. He turned SIX months on Sunday, April 10th and we could hardly believe how quickly the past 6 months have flown by. You still love sucking your thumb, sweet Sam. It's your favorite.

One big change is that Sam is now eating solid foods. He was adorable as he basically started begging for big people food and we obliged when he seemed to want things like chicken pot pie and oatmeal with blueberries.

We love you, sweet Sam. You are precious and sweet! Happy 6 month birthday to you!

goodnight

2011-04-11T14:20:00.007-04:00

Last night, I was snuggling with the boys (Jack and Bodie.) One on each side. I was playing with Bodie's hair and the way he was laying, his hair was swooping up over my shoulder where his head was resting.

Jack said, with a whisper... "Mommy, Bodie looks like Prince Charming." (pause) "I think we should cut off his curls." :) Then, we giggled and giggled as Bodie argued that "I wike my curls." Ahhhh, so sweet. I do, too, my sweet Bodie, I do, too.

As I was tucking Bodie in, I said a line that he usually says... "Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite." To my surprise, he grabbed my face with both hands on either side. In the dark, I felt his face and nose pressed to mine and his hot breath whispered, dramatically and in the most precious way, "Because 'dere is witerally 'fousands of 'fem." (which is my line.)
We shared another giggle and hugs. My little heart soared, such sweet boys.

With a consistently melted heart,

a note to my future self

2011-04-06T14:48:00.003-04:00

Rebekah, promise you will never stop a young mother in the grocery store and tell her that "kids grow up fast." To be honest, sweet lady in the grocery store, those times are still going on.

Call your grandchildren, go visit them. Hold them, love them, listen to them, find out their favorite color, their favorite food, their favorite cartoon, their favorite shape to draw. Grandchildren grow up fast, too. Your grandchildren are right there, waiting for you to jump in. Do it, jump!

Kids grow up fast. :)

Me

Remember this

2011-04-04T15:10:00.008-04:00

Jack and Bodie are adoring and very, very sweet to Sam. They are sweet-talkin' him every second of every day. :)
Sam adores them, too.

Last night, Jack said in a sugary sweet voice, "Hey, Sammy! Hey, Boy!" (in a Eureka moment, his voice change a little bit, he continued---
"Sam, I can never get your nose right when I draw you, can I boy?? hmmm??? Your nose always ends up squiggly and you don't have a squiggly nose~ do you boy? Hmmmm? Your nose is just not squiggly at all! When will I get your nose right, Sammy!?"
(Oh be still my melted heart. I had no idea of the "squiggly nose" problem.)

Bodie looks at me holding his Woody doll and lifting his boot up to me. "Mommy??? Do you think Woody gots cute toes in 'dare?"

Mommy: "I am sure he does, Bodie. But, not nearly as cute as yours!!!" :)

Overhearing your thoughts is my hearts delight,

the poetry of kids

2011-04-04T00:36:00.007-04:00

This afternoon, while Jack, Bodie and I sat in a flower bed in the front yard, I was weeding~they were hunting for worms with tiny shovels in hand. They were adorable and innocent and the scene was something I wanted to sear into my memory. The musings of my beautiful, precious boys.

Jack (5 years): Look! A worm!
Bodie (3 years): A worm! Let me see!
Jack: I will name this one, Fred. (he says with a smile.)
Bodie: Aw! He misses his fami-wee.
Jack: Yeah. We need to put him back, back into his habitat, "free and in the wild." "That's what they say on Wild Kratts." (smiling again)
Bodie: I want to find more worms! (moments later)
Bodie: "WOOOK! I found a new species!"
Me: Oh, Bodie! What kind of worm is he?
Bodie: "He is a "wittle" worm!!!!!! His name is Pinky Bob."
Me: Oh, I love Pinky Bob, he is so skinny.
(one minute later)
Bodie: I found the fattest worm ever!
Jack: Wow! He is fat! He has eaten way to much candy! (Jack adds, completely serious.) Put him back Bodie, or he will die. Worms like the dirt. Worms need the dirt and we need the worms. Worms are good, right mom?
Me: Right, Jack! (I am smiling to myself and thankful for the worms, not just for being good for the dirt, but for being good for my soul.)

:) Worms rock,

Roasting

2011-04-01T10:37:00.007-04:00

**To my vegetarian friends. Please disregard, cruise on by and please forgive me. I love to share a good recipe and this is no exception.**

I decided this week that I am 35 years old and I should roast a chicken- be able to, know how to, be okay with... You know, the proverbial guilt trip.

I know, hard to believe it took me this long to don my big girl panties. Wow. I didn't know it would turn out so well! YUMMMMYYY!!! It's as easy as salt and pepper, really! Open the doors and windows, the kitchen gets hot as this recipe cooks for an hour on 450 degrees. But, it is WONDERFUL. David thinks I am a new cooking prodigy. ;) You girls probably already know how to do this and could share a wonderful recipe with me. On epicurious.com this recipe has 448 great reviews. ***** No kidding.

I googled (of course) and went with the most fuss free recipe possible. I changed the recipe a little (of course I did.) :) Inside to season, I sprinkled "grill seasoning" instead of salt and pepper, just to simplify my time "inside." (blech)

I went with a Perdue Chicken. The recipe link:
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/My-Favorite-Simple-Roast-Chicken-231348

I served our chicken with sauteed broccoli and creamed corn.

Happy Roasting,

One Note: This recipe calls for "trussing" the chicken with kitchen twine (which can be purchased at any supermarket.) If you aren't familiar with trussing a chicken, Martha Stewart's website states that it's fine to just tie the legs together instead of trussing the whole bird. I had watched Martha Stewart and Ina Garten truss a chicken so many times, I did it by memory. :)

50 seconds

2011-03-24T08:43:00.002-04:00

I saw this little blip on Disney Jr. from the other room while I was mid diaper change (Sam's, not mine.) The segment caught my eye because of all of the classic Disney clips of animals with their babes. Loves those sweet Disney elephants, giraffes, moneys, hippos, deer, birdies, and human babies. Bambi, Dumbo, and Lady and the Tramp, I think. :)

The intro is children talking about poetry. Which is adorable.

"Mother's Song" describes every wonderful feeling I have (virtually) every day about my babies. I wanted to share this with you.

(mute my playlist tunes and listen to Jennifer Garner narrate this sweet lullaby.)

Love, love, love~

this old man, he played 5 (months)

2011-03-10T09:54:00.004-05:00

Beautiful Boy~

Baby Sam is 5 months old today. He is such a precious, precious boy.

He loves his brothers and his daddy. He gets lots of kisses all day long. He is cooing and laughing and getting ready to start solid foods. :) (Although, he is already a reallly big boy and enjoys eating, very much.)

We are having so much fun learning new songs and singing and laughing, Sam. Mommy loves to kiss your toes, too! You just smile and laugh and humor mommy.

Sam, you've just found your thumb, much to his Mommy's dismay... I am still trying to offer the pacifier, but your left thumb is a more handsome option, apparently! It's the perfect size and it's the perfect temperature, 98.6 degrees. If you're a thumb kind of guy, I will just have to forgive you. It's your only vice.

You are as precious to us as you could possibly be! You are so lovable and just want to cuddle and be loved. We are a good match, darling, because all we want to do is love you right back.

Happy 5 months, Sam David! We love you to pieces!

mending

2011-03-08T23:35:00.008-05:00

The sun shone today. I am so grateful. David told me that he "thanks God that my best friends are therapists." (Me, too.) One thing about grief is that it "changes form" one friend reminded me today. It's true and I can work my way through, little by little, and thank God for times when I feel like I can breathe again. I am thankful for a good day when I feel like I can see and feel the sun.

Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away. Isaiah 35:10

I don't quite know where tomorrow will lead. Today, I feel very grateful for Baba. Today, I came closer to better.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2

I have received the most wonderful visits, phone calls, cards and notes and letters in the past week. I am so thankful for my friends. It's overwhelmingly comforting to have my friends walk along side me.

Closer to fine,

loss

2011-03-06T18:59:00.010-05:00

Me and Baba 2003

I am sad.

The loss I have been dreading for years and years has finally come. I didn't think it would hurt so much. But, it does and that makes me feel even more defeated. Didn't I know she would go? Didn't I know it would hurt? What's wrong with me?

People that I love look at me with a blank face, "what's the matter?" is the question in their eyes.

I had the chance to say goodbye many times. An opportunity I took, over and over again. I even said goodbye when she couldn't hear me anymore. Which was a pretty empty feeling.

One good thing, I had the opportunity to process my grief by talking about Baba at her memorial service. Then, to come home... and in the silence of the day, you remember 400 more things that you could have said because she meant so much.

It's sad.

I knew I would lose Baba. I knew it would hurt. Something about the finality of it all feels heavy and harsh.

I loved that lady. I think the older I got the more she meant. The more children I had, the more she meant. And, as the years rolled by, the less I could convey all of these feelings to her.

There are so many memories. So many areas of my heart that she touched. Back before she was sick and before her her mind began to fail her, I was too young and naive to appreciate her the way I should. Truth is, I would have never been able to appreciate her enough. For the past year, Baba has been lucid very little. So, as the reality of losing her set in, the less she was able to enjoy company or visits at all.

Something about being the ripe old age of 35 makes me really, really appreciate her. I guess when I am 75, it will make me feel like she is a bonafide saint.

*sigh*

(My contribution to her memorial service)

I am Rebekah Hudgins Vepraskas, Gloria’s daughter, Elaine’s granddaughter. I knew her as Baba. And, she was epic.

She lived a very long life and while I am not sad that she had to leave this earth, her death brings to the surface everything she meant to me and the impression she left on my life, which was immense and the memories, thoughts and feelings are overwhelming.

She never pulled a punch; you knew exactly what she thought. Recently, I was crediting that similar trait in myself, you know “shooting straight”, as a Hudgins trait (from my daddy’s side), but it was my Baba’s way-through and through. I should give her credit, too.

When I was 7 years old, my family began going to this church -together with Elaine and Ted, (Baba and Paw Paw) and my relationship with Baba would never be the same. We sat with her in THREE church services a week. Usually on the 3^rd row and I loved this new routine and the exposure it gave me to Baba and Paw Paw. She wore beautiful outfits to church, I looked for her to come around the corner to join us saving her seat, and she always looked beautiful. She knew everyone and everyone knew her. I remember just watching her move about the church. I was in awe of her and appreciated how so many people truly loved her.

My Aunt Beth’s family and my Aunt Carole’s family also attended Rehoboth. Rehoboth was a family affair, which was so fun. It’s one of the many reasons those years are so dear to my heart.

294-73~75

This was my grandmother’s phone number in Stone Mountain and I loved to call her as a little girl. I can hear her now, “Hel-lo”, so warm, so friendly, so Baba. I would call her and say, “can I come see you, Baba?” Whenever possible, she would say, “shuuure”, can your momma meet me at the Waffle House?” (Uh-oh! Better ask momma if it’s OK?) And Baba would come and get me in her big Chevy Caprice and I loved her for it.

I am the 6^th born child out of 7 children and in the hustle and bustle of my home growing up, I was eager to escape away to my Baba and Paw Paw’s home. My identical twin, Mary, and I had sleep overs with Baba, often. It was even better when this sleep over included my cousin Alyson, our best friend, who was just a few months younger and we felt like triplets.

The neat thing about Baba’s house was that I wasn’t one of 7 or even one of 5, I was just Beka. She let me do almost whatever I wanted and mostly I just soaked her in.

I marinated in the love that she and my grandfather so freely gave. They gave their time, their most precious gift. As a grown person, now I realize what a precious gift it was that Baba was always so available to me. Once a month she had a planned event at Rehoboth called the Young at Heart dinner for the senior adults in the church. I can remember being very annoyed when she had to attend this dinner and we could not spend the night with her.

No one knew laundry like Elaine Moore knew laundry. She washed clothes out of pure enjoyment (or at least I thought so) and she never tired of putting Tide detergent to good use.

She called me “Angel” every time we spoke and I loved hearing her say this word. She called all of her grandchildren, Angel. I can hear her saying it now.

She had a well-stocked chewing gum drawer, which I thought was SUCH a good idea as a little girl. We could have as much gum as we wanted. Carefree Peppermint gum, she had an endless supply.

She took time with me. She taught me how to cross stitch, crochet ~she tried to teach me how to sing harmony (never quite caught on), she taught me how to brush my teeth and shave my legs. She taught me how to be silly as an adult ~just to make the children~ in your life laugh. She and my grandfather danced around and were fun and funny. She taught me how to love Jesus.

She was bull headed and at the same time gentle. She was very proud of everyone she loved, even if their accomplishments were small. She bragged about all of the Switzer’s, Holt’s and Kenimer’s to our family. They were all the best and brightest. We heard that the Switzer’s, Kenimer’s and Holt’s were equally informed with any accomplishments on our side of the family. It was a running joke, but no one told Baba. You could surprise her with a visit and yummy treats and she would say, “That Alyson is an excellent softball player, she really hustles!” or “Madelyn Youngblood is the smartest child in the world, did you know she’s reading already?” or “that Ted Holt is a dollllll, I just think he is the sweetest boy!”

Andrew said one time, “You know, it’s funny, if I ever think I know what Baba is going to say, she often says something opposite of what I expected.” She always kept us guessing.

She loved S’EM up, she never pronounced the V in seven and she always had cases of this lemon lime libation on hand. To me, whose mother didn’t buy coke_ it was wonderful, I guzzled as many se’m ups as possible at Baba’s.

She liked her coffee HOTTT and would send it back 5 times if it wasn’t hot enough. Sometimes I wondered if her goal was singeing off all of her taste buds!

She had a closet full of beautiful shoes that you could get lost in, all of her tiny, lovely, size six shoes~~ I adored them all and these shoes made for a dreamy afternoon of dress up for a little girl. Her foot was so small but the impression she made in the world was enormous.

I realize how blessed I am to have been her granddaughter. She was very good at everything she did and she knew it. I only hope that I can raise my three children to love Jesus like she raised her 4 daughters to do and I hope that I can one day have the confidence to be such a wonderful grandmother that I can say in advance, I want my grandchildren to speak on my behalf at my funeral and have complete confidence that they will have many, many wonderful stories to tell.

I will add more thoughts about Baba as they come to me and I work through this ocean of feelings called grief.

Just getting started,

steady now

2011-02-02T12:36:00.008-05:00

Courtesy of Amy Roscoe Photography

I am not sure why it seems like time travels so fast. Maybe because there is lots of growing to do in a short period of time. (Relatively short to this mommy whose head is spinning.)

Baby Jack will be 5 years old this Friday. Baby Jack is now a bonafide big boy.

FIVE YEARS OLD.

Jack has grown more this year than any year since year one. I am amazed at all he is learning and how he is developing into his own little person. He, in just 6 months since starting Pre-K, has grown into this vivacious, savvy, shrewd, Jackie guy before my very eyes.

While in the fog of having my newborn, Sam--Jack has gone through his own little metamorphosis. But, he is little, still. He shows me this with his sensitivity, when he wants me to hold him and when he crumples into tears when he is tired. I love that about him.

His heart is so full it is almost transparent. He is sensitive and kind, just like his daddy. I know he reminds David of himself~ David's heart operate very much the same.

Looking back, I remember being 5. It was mostly marked by loving on and celebrating my new baby sister, Saralynne. How I loved her (and still do.) Nobody was as cute as Saralynne. Jack and I have a lot in common because he is just smitten with his new baby brother, Sam. Jack could not be a better big brother!!! Oh, I love it!!

He gives Sam bottles in a pinch, he hugs him, "pats him," makes him laugh and loves him at every possible opportunity. He also acknowledges Sam in a hundred small and precious ways throughout the day.

Courtesy of Amy Roscoe Photography

I didn't know how Jack would take to Sam. But he is taken with him. Just another sweet reason to love Jack. He is an exceptional boy. My sons have unlocked so many tiny pieces of my heart and made me overflow with joy and love for them. This is just another shining example.

In these past 5 years I have learned a lot in this life as a mother and the responsibilities that go along with that big, big name, "Mommy." I am thankful to the boy who made me a mother, Jack Foster. I love you more than you will ever know. That's all. :)

You are irresistible to me,

Still

2011-01-11T13:56:00.014-05:00

We have been snowed in here in Atlanta since Monday, January 10th, with no end in sight. I had joked that we needed a sabbatical after celebrating 6 birthdays over the weekend with 5 get togethers. That was a lot of fun to pack into a weekend! So, a week of being still and enjoying each other was in order.

Jack, Bodie and David, sledding.

Jack LOVES the snow. He stays outside and does not want to come in. The cold doesn't bother him at all. Bodie, not so much.

Bodie+frigid temps= a face like this.

Action shot, sledding

Brothers and blizzard. :)

In the past 2 days. We have been home. On day 2, I am still in my P.J.'s with no apologies. The great thing about snow days is that you have no plans and any plans you thought you had are gone with the warm temperatures. I have had time to enjoy my children and listen, hear and take in the adorable things they say. We have the time to talk and listen this week. Isn't that nice?

Bodie: (as we walk East down our street, a direction that we never walk, but the direction of great sledding) "Ah! This is how we Twick or Tweet, mom!" (in his deep Bodie voice.) We do walk this way on Halloween, of course.

Jack: "MOM! Sam has a dimple on the left side of his cheek and so do IIIII!" "Me too, Jack!" I exclaimed. "We all THREE have the same dimple???!!!! Of course, because Sam is exactly like me! And, I am just like you?" (confused look from Jack.) The first time anyone has ever drawn a relationship between me and Jack and us favoring one another. Needless to say, the boy was perplexed. Genes are funny that way.

Bodie: (sitting beside me watching "Regis and Kelly"- I almost never watch A-dult T.V. with the boys at home) "Mom, is this Hannah Montana?"

Jack: "I am 55 pounds!" Me: "Really?? I thought you were 45 pounds." Jack: "No, 55 pounds, I grow really well because I am on vacation."

Sam: Cooing to his heart's content! Cooing sporadically, Sam seems so surprised at himself. This just started yesterday, it arrived with the snowstorm. ;)

Me to Jack: "How are you doing out here? Are you cold?" Jack: "No, I am fine. (Pause, looks around.) I am not cold because I have two pairs of undies on!!!"
*smile*

Savoring the moment(s),

Lily pads

2010-12-27T09:26:00.010-05:00

Well, we survived the holidays. Just barely. With Sam just 2 months old, I had a full plate while trying to get ready for all of the gifting, decorating, Christmas carding, wrapping, Santa-ing, cooking, and life mixed in throughout. "Life" doesn't stop for the holidays. People still get sick, people still make unfortunate decisions, life still happens in December. No matter what. (Just another thirty something revelation.)

A few times since becoming a mother of 3, I have thought of lily pads. I feel a little bit like I am balancing on them and it isn't always easy. In fact it almost never is. I first felt the "lily pad" feeling at Northside Hospital. When David handed me Sam after I already had Jack and Bodie in my arms. (Inner dialogue) "Uh-oh, don't let him fall, uh-oh, you got him?" More kids than hands makes for quick lily pads. I can't reach you... Whoa...

When you have the lily pad feeling, you aren't balanced, you're slipping, you're barely hanging on and you know it. You need your kids to do exactly what you say. Hard part is, sons who are 4 and 3 aren't always experts at seeing that the parental units are experts. They are making their own way which makes way for more lily pads.

You (I) want to grab your kids and protect them. Hold them each and every time they are hurt. "Make it better, momma..." (Inner dialogue.) It isn't always possible. I have also realized that as your children get older, there are lots more variables. Lots more lily pads as you slowly lose the ability to make it better, control their environment, control their choices, control their words, control how they respond to people and make other people feel. Ugh. It's a slippery slope that only seems to get more slippy.

Luckily, I started feeling lily esque when Jack began preschool and you can't help or influence anything, because you aren't there. That sinking feeling began to feel familiar. Being out of control is what being a parent is all about. But, trying like heck to control the things you can, is the name of the game. Judgment is everywhere and a sense of failure looms.

I guess if you look for the inception of lily pads, it began for me when I was pregnant with Jack and driving in my car, I had a real sense that I could not protect him, even though he was inside me if I had an accident. I was aware of it every second I was in the car at the wheel.

At first and for the past several years, I thought my only job was to love them to pieces. But, Jack has begun to have his own identity, ideas, his own voice and I realize that he is in a process of lily pad balance himself. I settle my mind by reminding myself that they are in my life to love and to raise. To raise to be adults... wow. Am I an adult myself? :) I think I still have my learners' permit in that department. Jack, Bodie and Sam are growing and they can't grow up with out a little give and take. Give and take is a good thing. Maybe that's why we need the lily pad kind of feeling. If the process were too stern, there wouldn't be room for wobbling and making adjustments.

A synonym for lily pads would be parenthood. I feel blessed to have David, a father who is fun, funny, silly, but stern and 100% committed to raising great men. No better companion for me on my lily pad. But, lily pads just the same.

Before Jack was born (back before I had a clue) I would have never been able to understand this crazy metaphor, but now it makes perfect sense. Lily pads are beautiful, graceful and for me, something to get use to and perhaps, something to embrace and be grateful for.

Wobbly, slippy and still learning,

snippets

2010-11-09T23:36:00.002-05:00

The best part 0f my week is on Tuesday. I get to go to dinner with David and we attend small group together at our church. Oh, I love it from start to finish. <3

We didn't have a chance to eat before small group tonight. So, come 9pm, call me starvin' marvin. David closed in prayer with me saying, I am starving, please pray. :)

Driving home:

David: Where do you want to eat?

Me: Oh, I don't know.

David: We can eat soup at home.

(10 minutes later)

Me: I gotta be honest.

I want a chili dog from the Varsity. Is that crazy?

David: No baby, that's not crazy.

Me: I love you, David.

David: I love you, too.

growing

2010-10-13T12:44:00.011-04:00

Hello, darlin.

Baby makes five.

My mother in love.

"The happiest days are when babies come."

My twin sister and sweet brother, there with me.

Sam's first bath.

Meeting big brother Jack.

Holding hands with Daddy.

Bodie the photographer.

Sam in all of his cuteness.

Visiting with Aunt Pam, mom and dad and Erin Wyper.

I cupcake NY

Sam's quilt from Aunt Pam.

Thumbs up, love Jack.

My three sons.

Jubilant Jack

Elan hearts Sam.

Amanda hearts Sam.

Gorgeous Boys.

Jack holding on. :)

Aunt Kate and Uncle Tommy. These two took Bodie to the Aquarium for Columbus Day. Bodie worships the ground Uncle Tommy walks on, incidentally. :)

Sherri loves a new baby!

Lisa came and we had a quiet, fun visit. (sigh)

Gran with her first and third grandsons.

Aunt Denese!!

"Bodie as a transformer." According to Jack.

Our new family.

Jack serving dinner to his baby brother. :)

Sunday morning, 12:07am, Samuel David Vepraskas was born. Hallelujah for Sam!

Momma, Daddy, Mary, Andrew and our sweet friend, Danielle were at the hospital with us at a moments notice. It didn't take long and Mr. Sam did not disappoint. :)

He is flawless perfection and his parents delight. He falls into place around here like an additional piece we didn't know how much we needed. He's tired, the lazy kind of tired that sleeps limply and humbly whenever, wherever.

We grew to five, not immediately but over time and then again it feels like in an instant that we catapulted into a larger than average size family of three little monkeys. David is a new dad again and somehow seasoned in a way he understands the needs of all of us, even the smallest and newest member.

Jack is processing the change with huge smiles and exclamations about everything he notices about Sam. He is in love. He fed Sam with Sam's first bottle of milk tonight. My milk just came in today, hooray. Jack was talking Sam through the experience and talking himself through it, too. Jack is the sweetest big brother and taking his job very seriously.

Bodie always wants to know where Sam is and what he is doing, logging Sam's inventory by the second. Today, he climbed up onto our bed, face to face with Sam and had a lovely conversation as he laughed and delighted in every crinkle Sam made with his face and the movement of his floating eyes. It was a baby whisperer moment and David and I walked to the doorway and teared up as we watched this new relationship blossom. Soon, Bodie will be Sam's idol and Sam just might be Bodie's north star.

I am in awe of this whole experience. I love all of my men. In the midst of settling hormones, physical recovery, sleep deprivation and nursing, I am most aware that I am very blessed, humbly, completely blessed.

Throughout 2009, David and I talked and negotiated this idea of three. I would have to say, I talked him into it. Since Sam's birth, I have told David that "Sam is the best idea I have ever had."

Eureka! :)

believes

2010-10-07T22:18:00.004-04:00

I believe, I trust God. I can do this. I am a good mother. Three will make me better. I can do this. Third time's a charm. A piece of cake. I can do this. Only a weekend remains between me and my third son. Baby Sam, sugar, I can't wait. Meet me Monday?

gulp

2010-09-22T20:42:00.005-04:00

Dr. Anderson and I, admiring Bodie 12.6.07

I finally got to met with Dr. Anderson today. Love her! She and I talked about a tentative delivery/induction date of 10.11.10. (insert gulp here.) Is that 19 days from now? We are really cookin'! She and I dished about numbers and dates and how cool it would be if he came on the 10th. She is a numbers person, too! I love that about her! David is really hoping for a 10.10.10 birthday. Me, I am just hoping for a better recovery and no post partum surgery like I had with Bodie. Most of all, my prayer is for a sweet, healthy, happy babe.

God bless me and baby Sam. Here we go.

notions

2010-09-19T01:22:00.014-04:00

I almost certainly have another post called "notions" somewhere in my blog. Notions are what I am all about. I have so many thoughts that meander in and out of this head of mine. So many things to blog about, so little time. I don't know whether to blame the heat, my darn sciatic nerve or all of the pain my body is in, but I feel less than spectacular to say the very least. A third pregnancy is almost more than I can stand. But, a third boy... ah, a third boy is worth it.

I feel really lucky to have reconnected with some of my girls over the past week. Mary, Terri, Sarah Abbott, Jill, Tracey, Michelle, Danielle, Melinda, Amy, Greer, Saralynne and Elan. It is such a good feeling to see your friends and lovelies. I have felt encouraged and uplifted. Love my girls. There are still 10 more I want to see, you know. Always something to look forward to. :)

Jack has almost settled into his new schedule. We have blips and blunders along the way, but by and large he is doing very well. His teacher loves him and he loves school. But, when he arrives home, he continues to be a pistol. miserable. hot. tired. whiny. short. tearful. He needs everything I can muster in those 30 minutes or so it takes to get him calmed down. I love that kid, even when he is high maintenance.

Our pastor taught on this passage from Luke 16 on Sunday.
¹⁰"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. ¹¹So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? ¹²And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else's property, who will give you property of your own?

It has been such an encouragement to me where Jack is concerned. His point was that life is made and won in a series of faithfulness in the little things or wins. And, faithfulness in the little things lends itself to success in the big things. Behaving in a way that reflects Christ and His love and not veering from the path when no one is looking. Isn't this true when you are dealing with your kids, especially from 4-6pm? When we need extra grace and eyes to see the bigger picture of what our children need. This principle can be applied to so many areas. But, as a thing of value, wealth and riches, our children are the most valuable thing in our possession.

Bodie is the center of my world during the day. He loves me and I love him. We do everything together, have lots of talks, rest every day and just plain enjoy each other. When Jack gets home, Bodie seems bugged not to have my undivided attention. Which I find amusing as 1 of 7 children. Jack is equally bugged for the first 30 minutes and says, "Bodie's voice is bothering me!" (What? I can't imagine? Someone is bothering you???) I don't let on that anyone else could be exponentially more bothered. (hee, hee.)

Work continues to be a joy, taxing as it feels in this last month. My coworkers are all very supportive and sweet. They all remind me how enormous I am when they see me and I just smile and agree. What can it hurt?

David helped me bring down all of the new baby's things that "Sam" will luckily inherit from his brothers and he has a couple of things of his own, which is so nice. Everything is organized and clean and ready to go. We have somehow made room for Sam. :) Now the 3 boys share a dresser. Thanks to their daddy making it happen and reorganizing the loot. His blanket is at the embroiderer. Now, we just need him!

My bag is down, although still not packed for the hospital. I have been wearing the same 8 things or so for the past 2 weeks (comfies) and I can't imagine packing them away, just yet.

I finally meet with my ob-gyn tomorrow. She has been out for a few months having her baby, so I am anxious and excited to see her and come up with a game plan. Only 3+ weeks to go. Or less...

Ready and not ready all at the same time,

A break for fall

2010-09-19T01:14:00.005-04:00

This past week, I have had my sweet Jack home with us for Fall Break. (Enter Napolean Dynamite to utter "YEESSSsSSssss!") It's been a super- great week. Jack and Bodie had to get re accustomed to each other and that only took about 4 whole days, and aside from that, we loved it. As you know, I missed Jack like crazy. Having him home makes me jealous of his teacher at school who is graced by his sweet smile each day.

I felt some pressure to keep him busy and to get him out of the house. Which was no small feat since I am enormous and feeling the pains of 36 weeks and all that comes with the last trimester. Ugh. Yet, Jack just knows I am his mom. So, I was determined to give him the best darn week I could muster.

On Monday ~ (emissions inspection, trip to the tag office. happy birthday to daddy!) and a trip to the park
On Tuesday~ a trip to Madison, Georgia to visit my dear friend, Terri Abbott and her daughter Sarah and tots.
On Wednesday~ a trip to the dollar theater in Duluth to see "Karate Kid" with Jaden Smith and Jackie Chad. (it was awesome.)
On Thursday~ David took our two little guys to the air Museum in Warner Robbins. Mommy met some great friends in Juliet, Georgia to eat at the Whistle Stop Cafe (think "Fried Green Tomatoes."
On Friday~ Audrey's bowling birthday party in McDonough
On Saturday~ Jack's season opener soccer game, GOOOOooooooo PIRATES!!!!

Below are some fun photos of the week.

cute-i-fied

2010-08-05T09:23:00.005-04:00

David, Jack and Bodie walked into the family room a few nights ago, all pretending to "have a baby in our tummies." Jack and Bodie tucked their blankies in their shirts and were laughing so hard at their daddy who had a pillow in his shirt. Tossing their extra weight around and poking fun at mommy. We had a good laugh!

I don't make that face, Daddy! Do I??? :)

geronimo

2010-08-03T08:22:00.017-04:00

The Morning: Jack's first day of school... blew me away. I had no idea how hard it would be. We started the day with your usual getting ready. We arrived early to school, hoping to get Jack settled in without a hitch. He was fine, we were all fine, a little anxious maybe. As a family, we agreed that bus riding would be best for Jack. Our new baby will be here in about 9-10 weeks and carpool would be difficult through the transition, so Jack was excited to be a bus rider. But, on day one, we would take him and pick him up, of course.

The boys

The boys and mom

A big Jack walking into his new school, Bodie has a good role model

We have been talking about this transition for months and every aspect of the change, a new school, the school bus, new friends, and a new teacher. Jack seemed prepared for everything and so did we. We delivered him to his class. His teacher is so warm, friendly and fun. She emptied his backpack and asked if he had an umbrella or a hippopotamus in his backpack. We all laughed. She is the kind of lady who puts you at ease. Eventually we said goodbye, confident he was going to be fine and he was.

Jack checking out his new classroom

The Turn:

David, Bodie and I returned home and while we drove into our driveway, it all hit me. I tried to rationalize with myself. It didn't work. Where was Jack? Missing...

Reason was no where to be found. I walked into our home, tears were hard and heavy, he was gone. I missed him and could not believe I had sent my first born to school a whole year early. Gone until 2:30? What in the world had I done??? After a very hard "ugly cry" and a pep talk from my sister and friend Erin, who called just in time... I was beginning to turn the corner.

Bodie was trying to figure out what was going on and after about 30 selfish minutes, I realized I should focus on my job- who was standing right in front of me- with his hands in the air- asking, "what's wrong with you, Mommy?"

The Afternoon:

Bodie and I had a great day, easy and sweet. We ran errands, we were excited to (along with Daddy) retrieve Jack Foster at 2:30pm. David met us and we headed to Jack's school. We walked up to the school and Ms. Shewan looked at us, appalled.

"HE TOOK THE BUS??!!!" She said. "Isn't he a bus rider????"

Me: "Yes, but we thought...? We thought he would start tomorrow..." (shoot)

Ms. Shewan felt terrible and I reassured her it was fine. We were left dangling, wondering if Jack was okay and laughing at our predicament.

We drove around Decatur and looked for his bus, laughed at ourselves for being crazed parents and we were at the bus stop early, waiting...

Finally, his bus arrived and there he was, a big boy, all grown up

This is Jack and Josh, our neighbor and Jack's good friend. They shared a bench and the great experience of bus riding at age 4

Jack looking like a new school boy, mature :)

My phone rang about 2 minutes later, Ms. Shewan was calling, worried and wanting to make sure Jack made it home safe and sound. She apologized again. (I really like her.) "It's okay," I said, "it is probably best that it happened this way. We have been so nervous. It's almost like jumping out of airplane and sometimes, you just have to jump. Now he's a bus rider and we didn't feel a thing." She agreed and told me he had a great day and we chatted about his lack of detail while debriefing with us about his first day of school. She assured me that the first day of school is a blur and that soon enough, he will have lots of stories. (Not this kid, I doubt it. Jack is a man of few words and that's okay with me. Well, sort of.)

The evening:

Gran and Pop (David's parents) sent Jack a congratulations on starting school greeting card with a McDonald's gift card enclosed to take the family out to dinner to celebrate Jack's first day of school. Jack and Bodie were thrilled. It was a very fun memory.

ordering

happy meals :)

Thank you, Gran and Pop!!! Your gift to us was a big hit, Jack says he wants to go to McDonald's on every first day of school.

Second day of school:

Today was the second day of school and it was a super smooth morning. Professionals already, we were ready for the day.

My handsome boys!

Heading out to the bus stop

A big boy, who makes me so proud

Today I was just happy, no sadness at all. No one can prepare you for your children's rites of passage and the emotional reaction that ensues. No matter how much support and encouragement you hear, it's a singular experience, it's your own. It was certainly a day I had to process and work through.

I will look forward to his return home each day and I am just thankful for the many ways in which he has made my heart grow.

stop the clock

2010-08-01T23:00:00.002-04:00

Isn't there a delay button somewhere on time when it comes to your kids. I need one. We tip toed into preschool a few years ago. First with 1 half day a week, then 2, then 3. Now for the whole sha-bang. (gulp)

Tomorrow morning, Jack begins his educational career. Omgoodness... I can't believe we are here with full days of preschool, early bedtimes, very early mornings, bus riding, school lunches, naps at school and the daily grind of school times. David and I are both nervous and very excited for Jack. He is such a sweetie-pie.

As a mother, I want so much for him. I want so much for him it hurts. I love this boy. He is thoughtful and sweet, introspective and kind, he is also my buddy and I will miss him so much. Bodie will miss him so much.

Jack and I have napped together everyday since Bodie was born. And, initially, I would lay down with him until he fell asleep, to "get him to sleep."

But, with pregnancy and working late nights at the hospital this year, we have both taken great advantage of "a little rest" as we like to call them, each day, I always have cherished this time. It's quiet and I get to admire his little sleeping face, his quiet breath, his rest.

He says, as we lay down for a nap, "I'm going to miss you, Mommy." I hug him and say, "oh, I love you, Jackie, Mommy is right here." Only, starting tomorrow, I won't be. (tears)

I feel grateful to have had the privileged to stay home with him during the day. To help mold him and raise him. Tomorrow, I will turn the lions share of that job over to a perfect stranger. Which to be honest, does not compute.

Although, we are greatly relieved that his sweet teacher was the 2009-2010 Teacher of the Year. (thank you, God.) It still feels very hard.

Our prayer and biggest hope is that Jack will have a heart full of joy as he enters this new stage of his life and that he will learn like crazy and always remain the gentle, loving boy that he is today. We pray he encounters lots of helpful, friendly and encouraging faces. And that he takes all of the new things: his classroom, the bathrooms, playground equipment, lunch rooms, music class, media centers, rest mats, new faces and smells in stride. It's A LOT...

As a girl who never attended preschool, I hope I can help him understand the process and calm any hesitation he encounters. I sure will try.

God bless you, Jackie. I know He will watch over you when I can't.
I love you so,

Mommy

what's in a name?

2010-07-02T23:39:00.005-04:00

A famous quote and a quote that has been coming to mind lately. Shakespeare describes his characters having a conversation as Juliet tells Romeo that a name is an artificial and meaningless label, and that she loves the person who is called "Montague."
Which for her, was the kiss of death. Serious business.

Juliet, with all due respect, I must disagree. Names, baby names specifically, are pretty important to me. A name for me comes with a feeling, an heir, a sense of serendipity.

David and I are six months into expecting our third son. We couldn't be more excited about that fact. Only one problem, this babe has no name. Shoot.

I found myself searching for a clear glimpse of Baby Vepraskas' face during our 20 week ultra sound and without the peek I was searching for, all too soon, the ultrasound was over. I was hoping for a sign.

When I saw Jack's face, I knew he was a Jack. When I saw Bodie's face, I knew his name would suit him, too. I am anxious for that last look that comes in about 3 weeks where I will see Baby Vepraskas Boy # 3's, sweet, little face. Perhaps an indication of what we should call him? Let's hope so.

My conversations with my sweet husband about names are hilarious and sometimes maddening for him and for me. Names I love, i.e.: Sander. Names he loves, i.e.: Sampson... names we do not share an affinity for. This baby will likely be named before we leave the hospital after delivery. Which is just fine, as long it is the name that is just right for our sweet baby boy.

tiny vent

2010-06-22T21:11:00.011-04:00

I think it's funny when things bug me. I feel bad, I wonder if I am the only one. I shake my head.
Thankfully, I have an outlet. Here goes.

today, at Walmart, we were waiting in line with about 5 items... I start to put my groceries on the counter to check out. "oh, no, I'm closed," the clerk says, with no apparent signs of closure, she plops her "Closed" sign on the counter. (Of course you are.) "Okay, thanks for letting me know," I say, half sarcastically. As I have been standing here for 4 minutes while you ignored the fact that you needed to tell me you are now arbitrarily closed. argh. I pick up my items and walk to the next line.

This may offend, but I don't get the whole french manicure of bright red on the tips of finger nails and/or toe nails. It looks like your polish is coming off. Just so you know. I always do a double take and think, "no, they wanted it to look that way, right...?"

Why does the man with the Yellow Hat trust Curious George the way he does? He is obviously not a mommy, he's a very, very naive man. When he says, "George, could you go turn the popcorn machine on?" Does he honestly think it will end well? It won't, Man with the Yellow Hat, it won't.
Today I was overwhelmed at the sight of my full dishwasher, I feel like all I do is the dishes. (and laundry) Then, I laughed at myself and remembered the 2 years that I didn't have a dishwasher and then I was feeling much better about my sweet, little dishwasher. I love my dishwasher and appreciate all the help she affords me.
The uncorrected child. Children make mistakes, it's true, it happens. They're kiddos. But, when they aren't spoken to and aren't reinforced with what "to do" it bugs me. It's kind of like a dangling participle. Just hanging out there, unresolved. Help a kid out, show them the way.
I am sensitive. I am. Which bugs me. I have a thin skin. I think it's because I am trying really hard, and when I am judged or slammed, it hurts. Father's Day was a tough day. Holidays spent in the car always are. From start to finish, it required keeping my chin up. I am also pregnant, hormonal, keeping a full schedule and all of this together is exhausting.
I miss Advil. I need Advil. I have pretty severe S ciatica, which for me is pregnancy induced. I have had it with all 3 pregnancies, beginning at 5 months. (Welcome back, sciatica.) It kills. If only I could take a little Advil for the pain... So, I ice, therefore I am. The icing doesn't help so much, but I ice anyhow. Jack also ices. Which is sweet. He always asks for his ice pack and we ice together. "My back hurts" he says. Which is funny, his empathetic icing.
at work, just walking down the hall of the hospital, me: "hey, how are you?" I say to a very familiar face walking down the hall, who I helped with a problem last week. Don't know his name. "Fine," he grumbles. I smile "Me too," I say, half sarcastically. It drives me crazy. Attention North American citizens: the interaction should follow the following trend (at the very least): "How are you?" (answers) "Fine, how are you?" WORK WITH ME PEOPLE, it isn't that hard!!!
Leg cramps in the pre-dawn hours. (Dear Lord, why???) There has to be something God finds humorous in seeing a big, pregnant lady jump out of bed to straighten her crooked leg and disturb her very hard to come by rest. I do not understand...

Whew, I feel better.

little wins

2010-06-17T01:04:00.019-04:00

Six months ago, our family began to "live like no one else, so that we can live like no one else." Translation? We started the Dave Ramsey plan, to the letter.

We budget, spend carefully, save, save, save and do so through the envelope system that my grandmother used 70 years ago. The idea of spending much less than you make isn't a new idea, as Dave Ramsey points out, but it isn't a part of our current culture. We spend like crazy as a society. (We were no different.)

I blogged about it first in January and six months later, we are believers, over and over.

As a couple, David and I almost never saw eye to eye over money and instead of bucking each other, we turned a blind eye to spending, the budget (which didn't exist) and the future. We pretended we had it all figured out, nothing was further from the truth. Sure, we had a well funded 401(k), but that was about it... Which is crazy. When would we get ahead? When would the ends all meet?

In two thousand ten

Okay, okay, I admit, we are totally annoying Dave Ramsey people. My mom, my sister and everyone else I know are probably sick to death of us. My apologies.

I have to give credit to my (almost sickeningly) perfect brother, Andrew, for the conversion. He and his wife, Denese, started the plan 3 years ago. He was annoying, it's true. "Dave Ramsey says..." Until we were finally willing to see what all of the fuss was about. We let go of our white knuckle grasp of our own financial haywire. We looked up our zip code, found a class nearby and enrolled, it's that easy. If it weren't for them, we would be Dave Ramseyless, I fear.

Anyhow, our "little win" began to unfold on Sunday night with car trouble. My ultra reliable 2003 Accord wouldn't start. :(

100 degree heat index and the blasted car is not running. Great. It started right up for David 10 minutes later and I thought it may be a fluke...

Monday, 12 noon, Bodie and I have run errands all over town, and then head to pick Jack up at vacation Bible school. Blazing hot, both boys in the car with me--- car won't start. Jack needs to potty he whines from the back seat. I am apprx. half a mile from home, in flip flops. (Shall we walk?) Pouring sweat, pregnant and hating my life I want to drive my Honda off a cliff in this moment. (An overreaction, I know.)

I go through 24 more hours of this until my mechanic is available on Tuesday... it wasn't pretty and I wondered if a car note wasn't worth it. Gosh!!

I got a call from the mechanic Tuesday afternoon, after checking everything over, it was the starter.

Three hundred dollars. (sigh) oh dear.

Me talking to David: "He said it would be three hundred dollars."

David: "Okay." (totally nonchalant.)

Me: "How much do we have in the car repair fund?"

David: "I don't know, I need to look at the spreadsheet. We should have close to that and if we don't, we can borrow it from our short term savings and pay it back in the next few weeks."

My little personal banker, I love it. All he needs is a green visor.

I got an email from him this morning, we had exactly the amount we needed in the car repair fund. "I guess this Dave Ramsey thing works" he began. He was headed to the bank to withdraw the amount and take it to the mechanic...

We save $20.00 a week, and so far this year, we have bought new tires and we just replaced the starter for my 7 year old Honda. (clicks heels)

And, because we save tiny amounts, we don't feel a thing. Except, of course, a great feeling when the Accord starts on a dime. That feels great.

We have an emergency fund, but we are also following the plan and saving for anticipated expenses. Dave Ramsey points out that when you are preparing for expenses, you will find you have a lot less emergencies. A year ago, this would have seemed like an emergency expense.

A lot less trips to Chick-fil-A and a lot more eating the good food at home and you could have lots of envelopes full of twenty dollar bills. I mean, really. That's how we do it.

A little win was all I needed.

a journey

2010-06-15T00:03:00.012-04:00

Today, I worked with a 51 year old male who was seeking alcohol treatment for the 1st time. "I don't want to live like this anymore..." He stated. His blood alcohol level was very high and during my assessment of him, I knew I was getting part truth, part intoxication. He was disoriented one moment, lucid the next.

I have never understood why a patient drinks themselves silly before they come in for treatment. But, the same as a dieter polishes off a box of doughnuts just before beginning a new diet, the alcoholic drinks. And drinks.

I had to send my patient out for medical clearance at the local ER, doctor's orders. His blood alcohol level was more than 4 times the legal limit and the Dr. had some other medical concerns with my patient. So, I completed the appropriate transfer documents, greeted EMS, got my patient sent on his way for medical services and I returned to my desk.

Seeing a short break in the action, I hopped in my car to run out for a sandwich. Once outside our hospital campus I realized I was behind the ambulance that was carrying my patient.

(Ummm, wow.)

I turned off the radio and thought of my patient. Coincidentally, I followed the ambulance for a couple of miles. In those moments, I considered the journey of this man. Struggling with alcoholism since age 16. I thought of how fearful he must be, headed to the ER. This detour was not a part of his plan. He is facing an insurmountable obstacle, himself.

I realized that I don't think about this part very often. I don't think of the lonesome, sobering ride to the ER when consequences of the behavior are becoming a part of the foreground of the alcoholics perspective. The sheer fear.

While working with addicts, alcoholics, depressed individuals, sometimes it feels routine. The clinical development of a person's history is often similiar to what I have seen before. Yet, there is always a story and a life and the back of this ambulance and my patient reminded me. Even me, who loves and supports family in recovery can feel the conveyor belt of the story. The fact is that many of these stories are so similiar.

I applaud the courage of the person who faces recovery, I stand with him, I stand with her. Rooting them on as they explore the past that hauntes them and the future that is always available. One moment at a time, one day... by day.

the essence of jack

2010-06-13T00:04:00.003-04:00

"Mommy...?" (Jack begins from the back seat, in his sing songey voice that he inherited from his mother and his Aunt Mia. We were on the way to Midtown for a Trader Joe's run Friday morning.)

"Is our house made out of bricks?"

"Jack, our house is made of wood."

(30 second pause... I knew what was coming next.)

"Does that mean that the big, bad wolf could huff and puff and blow it down?"

(laughing and loving my Jack) "No, darlin', but I understand why you would feel that way, I grew up in a house made of bricks, and it was such a relief, just because of that big, bad wolfie!!"

"So, he only bothers the piggies?"

"Yes, Jack, those poor piggies need a brick house. don't they?
We'll be okay, our house is 81 years old, so I think we are safe from that old wolf! If he was going to blow it down, he would have already done it by now."

Jack just smiled to himself in the back seat and I was grateful to be the mom of this thoughtful, imaginative boy.

:)

bee in my bonnet

2010-06-09T02:12:00.027-04:00

Our front door. Funny thing, what's bugging me are the uncovered windows in the front of our house. We have lived in this craftsman bungalow for 6+ years now and these 3 windows have always bothered me. Uncovered and beautiful, they have never been a huge problem...

Jack showcasing the set of windows in question

Except, of course, when the UPS man inevitably peers inside when ringing the doorbell, or when mommy was nursing and an unexpected guest is knocking at the door (also peering inside) or when your father in law comes to the door when you are in the kitchen drinking a glass of water-you make eye contact with said father in law and your are not completely dressed. Perfect.

Hence the decision to cover the blasted windows.

I am famous (only with my husband, really) for walking around partially clothed. Hey, it's my house! So, having gaping open windows is kind of a bad idea. Especially on our super busy street. Yikes.

Now, I am on a mission to find the perfect fabric. Something retro and fun, but not too fun. Something that speaks to the age of the house, but something that also coordinates with the traditional silk curtains we already have.

(Notice the song bird feeder in the background, we love gazing at the birdies at our house, more on that in a bit.)

I want a home dec fabric with a thicker, nice weight. I checked out Amy Butler's line because I love her and was sure I would find a hit, but I couldn't exactly find the right look.

I stumbled across this fabric last night, purchased a few yard online, only to then be informed it's on back order. Good thing I am not allergic to bees.

I love the birds in the design and I think it may work. I love that it is a nod to the birds who give us so much joy throughout the day. Hope it comes available soon!!

I found this blog, which I loved www.oursuburbancottage.blogspot.com where she showed a simple, chic valance in her kitchen.

I really liked it and then reading further, realized it is a euro sham, draped over a rod~ IMAGINE!

Naked (no pun intended) laundry room window that also needs to be covered.

Last night, I perused the web, checking blogs, www.etsy.com and other online stores looking for ideas. I added some new blogs to my blog list that are clearly brilliant. (Check them out) Also, I have requested some books by House Beautiful from our local library. I am determined to find a tasteful remedy.

Baseball is not boring

2010-06-01T07:59:00.014-04:00

Okay, well maybe a little boring. But, we jumped at the chance to go to Jack and Bodie's first Braves' game. We were worried about rain, but the weather was great and our outing was the highlight of this Memorial Day weekend, 2010.

Jack and Bodie walking into the ballpark with their daddy. I love this enormous baseball photograph, I always have. It is especially sweet with my three Vepraskas boys walking in the foreground.

This is Braves' country after all. All of the deep south is truly behind the Braves', watching the Superstation telecast of the games, as I did for eons. Unlike most major league teams, back in the day, each game was broadcast on Ted Turner's station, channel 17, in Atlanta. We watched every single game at my house and I even kept stats on the players as a young girl.

A few of my faves, Dale Murphy (Of course!) Bob Horner, Glen Hubard, Rafeal Ramirez, Brett Butler, Phil Niekro, Chris Chambliss, Bruce Benedict and Joe Torre. I loved them all. Fast forward 28 years or so and I know almost none of the players. Okay, since Francoeur left, I know none. Life is too full for baseball, I confess. But, I have roots in baseball love, so this outing was particularly special to me.

Every moment seemed like a photo op. Here are my favorite memories.

Daddy and two little mesmerized little guys.

David, explaining the game of baseball to Jack and Bodie who are working to soak it all in.

sweetness

Impromptu pose

Little fan club

Bodie and Mommy

We had a great view of the game from our seats

Third inning, Jack and Bodie are asking, "When we are going home?" :)

With some quick thinking, David offers to take them to the upper deck to play some games. (redirect, redirect.)

Base running anyone??

Bodie bounded down the base line.

Jack sprinted with purpose.

The view from the upper deck was breathtaking.

ahhhhhh...

gorgeous boys.

Adirondack chair for Jolly Green Giant.

Jack loves to have his face painted. He had his face painted by an amateur at school about a month ago. It was so cute, he asked for Spiderman. The lady messed up and Jack said, "She really didn't know how to do Spiderman and so she made it into a flower, see??!!" So, I knew he would love to have a real professional on the job. He chose a baseball, first.

I loved the Atlanta "A" for Bodie and then...

Jack had to have the "A" too.

We went and played more games at the Cartoon Network playhouse and as my feet began to swell for the 1st time in my pregnancy, we called it a day at the ballpark.

Jack on the way home.

Bodie, 5 seconds from home.

We made it home in time to watch the 9th inning and see the Braves' secure a win!

I went to my first Braves game as an 11 year old, when I asked my Uncle Gerald for tickets because the Beach Boys were playing at the park, post game. Robert, my brother and his then girlfriend, (now wife) Leslie took me and my 3 other siblings to the game.

I was hoping for a John Stamos sighting on drums, I remember, which didn't happen- he wasn't there. But, our brothers went to games regularly our entire lives. Invariably, we would have access to 2 or 4 tickets and my sister and I (the younger of 4 boys) were last on the long list of the men who wanted to go.

Girls and boys should have equal opportunity to boring Braves' games, I believe. We begged for years and watched from home as the boys went. It's fun for me to offer our sons sunnier memories. :) And, sunny it was!

dust her off

2010-05-29T23:49:00.005-04:00

Whew... it has been a while since my blog has been graced by my thoughts or fingertips. My old "blogtime" is now my new "naptime." I hardly miss a nap with Jack and Bodie since I became pregnant in late Winter. I look forward to them and have come to somewhat depend on them. Okay, totally dependent.

Hey, it's where I have been.

La la land.

La la land is okay, but it is certainly not overrated. No one likes feeling la la... But alas, la la it has been. I am 5 months pregnant, working 3 nights a week and always hoping, wishing for more sleep. The third pregnancy, mixed with sleep deprivation, pretty much leaves me cross eyed by Thursdays. But, despite this semi blur, we are doing remarkably well.

Naptime with precious Jack and Bodie looked like this on Friday (insert me on the right) and then I woke up, rested and thankful for these angels we call our sons. Ahhh, they take my breath away. I can hardly believe I have one more little babe growing just inside.

We got the news on Wednesday, May 26th, that our suspected boy is indeed a boy. David and I are very excited. Not to mention big brother A and big brother B. Jack is very interested in the baby, my belly and the miracle of this new life that we are still waiting to meet. Bodie, is clueless. He thinks he's pregnant, too, because his full belly matches mine. I am sure by the time October 17th arrives, we all will be surprised by the reality of our party of five.

One thing's for sure, I have never been so in love with their father. We are just a few weeks away from celebrating our 9th anniversary. And I feel blessed and at peace, even mixed with a little la la land. I think 30 something may just be like that. It's more than enough, this little life.

low

2010-04-12T23:09:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, we marked "low Sunday" in the church. It is a day where we try to understand the death of Christ coupled with the resurrection and begin to understand and absorb it, as the disciples did. They were initially confused, in hiding and searching for what would come next. What a dark place to be. They looked for Jesus and for the future and missed the man that was their life. But, he now lived... inside? What faith.

The beginning of this year has been a little like this for me. Low. The future of our family will be changing and processing this has taken some time and reflection. I am, at the heart, a real person. Very real, honest and in need of even. Some days, I am low. Which our pastor explained on Sunday, is okay. It made me feel so good, affirmed and, grateful. Because, while I am often positive, when I am low, I tend to get frustrated with myself and reject those feelings. But, the feelings are still sometimes there even as I try to shrug them off. In these moments, I retreat.

In church yesterday, I thanked God in a moment of silence, for the permission to be low. It almost made me "un-low" in the moment. (just that quick, relief.) Somehow, I could crack out of the concrete when I learned that concrete is okay, if that is where you are.

Very thankful to a Savior who accepts me if I am low.

This blog is and has been very therapeutic for me. Even as I have taken a break, just writing here now, feels so good. Organizing and filtering through my thoughts is great medicine for my heart.

We went to church tonight for a new members meeting and it was the perfect bounce out of lowness. It is such a wonderful feeling when you realize that you are exactly where you need to be, church wise.

My grandmother, Baba, use to say over and over again, "God took 2 crazy kids and turned us into a sweet, God loving family." I am starting to understand what she means. As we examine the various facets of our church and get doctrinal questions answered from the pastor, we realize that our church fits like a glove. And, then Baba's statement applies to us, as well.

David and I met almost 15 years ago. Both of us were very far from where we needed to be with no alignment in sight. It is in those broken hearts and lives that Christ works, moves and rights hearts in His direction. He can work with low, He always has. He shows up and leverages everything for His glory. 2 crazy kids, now a growing family, who seek to honor Christ.

soccer monster

2010-01-27T13:15:00.010-05:00

Unbelievably, Jack has started soccer and I am a very proud, very happy (gulp) soccer mom. He has been playing for just a few weeks and already has scored his first goal. He kicked the ball into the goal at the direction of his coach and then ran straight to the stands and gave his elated mother a hug. (SOOOO SWWEEEET!)

We are loving indoor and Jack is loving soccer. It's very fun for everyone. It's especially fun when family and friends arrive to every game. Jack's grandparents, "Pop and Gran" have been to all of his games. ;) I love it.

Jack is excited that he is number "3." Adorable!!!!

Jack and his teammates lining up

Jackie V., with lightning speed!!

Talking to Coach Price

Jack waiting to go back in and play (Bodie waits with him)

Jack being super silly and excited during his first game. "Did you teach him that?" said his grandfather. "Umm, we work on it all the time?" Said his proud mom.

Number "3" in the huddle ;)

Jack and his coach

My adorable soccer playing son ;)

Little, cousin Sloaney. Watching Jack intently. ;)

Bodie, Uncle Tommy, Pop and Aunt Kate at Jack's first game

Aunt Mary and Audrey at Jack's first game

"My coach says, 'Take a knee, take a knee!'" Mmmmph! How sweet is that??? "Jet Planes on 3. 1,2,3-

Go Jet Planes!

I’m a soccer monster, I love the soccer ball.
I’d rather play soccer, than do
anything at all!
You can be the kicker, I will be the blocker!
Doesn’t really matter as long as we play soccer!
SOCCER! 1,2,3,4,
SOCCER! up on the floor,
SOCCER! Sing it one time more,
SOCCER! Pass, shoot, score, Pass, shoot, score, Pass shoot score!

Pablo, The Backyardigans (our all time favorite song)

squeeze

2010-01-24T12:44:00.005-05:00

Something new for us in 2010 is Dave Ramsey. We are ascribing to his financial plan. Saving and spending in a whole new way and it's utterly incredible to me as we walk through the process. But, I speak for myself, of course.

I have always had this real disconnect when it comes to finances. This history of feeling some where between conflicted and confused. Always questioning, like others understand more than I do and everyone elses' dots connect-finance wise. Left in the dust, but pretending not to be, well, it's no fun at all.

Determined to move to a better place, I begged David to dive in with me and boy did he. We registered for and began a class called "Financial Peace University." They start with the basics, step by step, you learn and grow. My man, who is an excel aficionado, has taken us to a new place, a better place and we have become intimately familiar with our budget and our new way of life, thanks to him.

I am so relieved, determined and excited. And now, it's become sort of a game and I wonder how well I/we can play. We've chosen to live on a cash only budget and are saving as much as possible. "It reminds me of squeezing a tube of toothpaste," I told my husband. "Just when you think it is all gone, you find more- when you really squeeze."

Happy squeezing to me. :)

(clicks heels.)

jet planes

2010-01-09T08:52:00.000-05:00

Jack's soccer career starts today. He is playing indoor soccer in our little town. He will be 4 in just a few weeks and I am in disbelief that we have reached this rite of passage. Coincidently, his coach is a very sweet, old friend from my high school. :) (A soccer player himself.)

We are taking the video camera and I am sure I will have tears brimming. My babe is growing up.

Love you Jack...

She's with me

2010-01-08T01:58:00.001-05:00

Cooking all throughout the holidays, and almost every night in my kitchen, I think of my mother.

This week, I made her hearty vegetable soup, which is really a clean out the freezer, pantry or 'fridge soup. (Carrots, celery, onion, garlic, tomatoes, black eyed peas, cauliflower, collard greens, roasted corn and shredded chicken breast.) I also made buttermilk cornbread, her recipe, her specialty. I loved helping her make cornbread muffins and I would eat at least 3 as I buttered them. Hiccups ensued and I loved every minute of it.

She never cooked really fancy meals. But, they weren't easy either. She spent hours in the kitchen and you could tell her feet hurt because she would go put her running shoes on and go back into the kitchen.

She cooked country meals. Mostly for my dad who could never get enough. (He wasn't alone, we all loved her southern fare.) He adored any kind of country vittles, still does. We groaned with despair when he would complain about tacos, spaghetti or any kind of international dish. Momma wouldn't cook what he didn't like and if he vetoed the dish, it was gone. "Daddy doesn't like that" she would say. As a married lady, I understand her desire to make a meal he would enjoy.

She made the best cakes, too. I have yet to master the art of baking, but I could practice a bit more...

When I reached about age 11, mother began to cook healthier. She read a book called, "Fit For Life" and it change the way she ate and cooked. She introduced things like asparagus, steamed broccoli and salads with romaine and micro greens and she swore off iceberg lettuce, citing it's lack of food value. Momma always adds a little garlic salt and pepper to her lettuce before she builds the salad and she piles on toppings galore.

She made food fun and we ate well and we didn't know how well. We thought everyone's mother spent all afternoon in the kitchen. On nights she wanted to trim her time, she made baked potatoes and set out sides and we all had, "potato bar" she called it. Yum...!

At the table, my dad would clean his plate in due time, wipe his mouth and say, "well honey, that was delicious, thank you, I enjoyed it."

She was never done, because she had been getting everyone taken care of before she could sit down. She would cover her mouth with her napkin and say, "I'm so glad." (Every night.)

While he continues to convey his gratitude, she continues to serve up great meals and tries like crazy to please her man who turned 71 yesterday.

A system that works, the only glitch is... she had to trim down her serving sizes.

Each tidbit, I adore- past, present and future. I love you, Mother.

space and time

2009-12-13T07:05:00.016-05:00

It's Christmastime again. Somehow this year, it feels very different. It feels fast and forced a bit, I don't know why. I am working this year and that is one difference. But, I think Christmas brings pressures that only women really feel, these endless to do lists.

A few weeks ago, our pastor challenged us not to celebrate only the birth of an 8 pound baby, but to seek our Savior. I am constantly trying to redirect myself, but I can't seem to hear clearly above the static.

It's December 15th, today. By now, every year, my cards are in the mail, presents are under the tree and I am coasting, making homemade treasures for loved ones. Just now, that feels like only a hazy dream, a dream where I would have time and space to create. Something that I definitely miss. Just writing that makes my eyes feel hot with tears... I love work, I love making a difference, but the pace is exhausting and takes a real toll.

To date, the Christmas cards are ordered, but not here, yet... the gifts are ordered and on their way to me, too~ (I have confirmation numbers- does that count?) Wrapped? The man in my life wrapped all of the gifts for our children, but they can't go under the tree... not yet anyway. (thanks, babe.)

Life feels like work, work, work, preschool, grocery, Costco, preschool, Walmart, preschool, work, work, work. rinse and repeat.

I am not type A, I am type B. Type B's need downtime. It hasn't been so evident, except in December. This December.

Sometimes a girl, a mom, a counselor, a wife just needs a day of nothingness. A day where the notion pops into her head to dust off the sewing machine and finish that project, her favorite stationary or pen- put to good use, or the paint brush-swirling a creation into being.
I need margin. I miss margin.

Redirecting... A few months ago, my mother exclaimed, in a sing-songy voice, "Count your many blessings, darlin', name them one by ONE!!! I mean really, Rebekah, name them. It's incredible." For some reason, I keep hearing the lilt in her voice and the inflection she used. I cannot forget that moment. It stopped me in my tracks. Because while we could focus on deficits, a masterpiece is sitting nearby, disregarded.

So, here goes.

God has blessed us immensely this holiday season, and in a year of downturns, David has had his best year, professionally. He has received the recognition that he's sought for 10 years and in the process, he has provided for our family in a way we never thought possible. Thank you, Lord.

I get to advocate for my soul, everyday at work. A soul who longs for the addict to seek help. A soul who is inspired by the chance to be involved in that difference making moment. I have these fist pump moments in my mind, all day at work. Thinking of my niece, nephew, sister in law, siblings, parents and me, as family members, who are caught up as fellow hostages to addiction.
This feeling feels like a warm healing to my heart. Thank you, Lord.

Bodie and Jack could not be more incredible. They LOVE each other and are learning and growing by leaps and bounds. It's remarkable and lovely. And everyday around here, they are celebrated. Lord, may they always love You.

Our parents and siblings are healthy and happy. Our families are prospering. Thank you, Lord.

My brother in law and husband continue to enjoy working together. Chad was unemployed for 4 days before landing this new job~ thanks to a lot of answered prayer and a little help from a friend. The exciting part is ... well, the whole story, all along. And, that Chad and David have a chance to do great things and could grow another side of the business and will hopefully grow the company. Working now with the same elbow grease that they have repaired, renovated and improved every facet of our respective homes in the past 10 years. How exciting. My twin sister and I, their biggest fans. Thank you, Lord.

And so everything isn't done and I haven't "made" anything, yet... I will catch up on my to-do's and my desire to reconcile that Christmas is about Christ combined with stillness, space and time. I have faith that I will soon fall in sync with my Savior, who is there, no matter what static exists.

I think I just did.

he remains our christmas gift

2009-12-06T01:46:00.016-05:00

Bodie was born 2 years ago today. Ahhhhh... love me some Bodie Buddy.

He blesses our family every moment of his life with his smile, his delightful disposition and his heart that overflows with love.

I was set to deliver Bodie on December 6th, 2007 a scheduled induction with a due date of the 12th. In classic Bodie fashion, he didn't need any convincing ("okay, you want me to come, well I am ready." This is so in line with Bodie and his sweet personality!!) and I went into labor on my own just before we left for the hospital on the night of December 5th about 10pm. I remember saying to David absentmindedly, as we were eating Chick-fil-A, "I think I am in labor, honey." I was.

We called ahead and hurried to Northside and I was quickly given an epidural. Bodie and I labored all night long until the doctor arrived at 8am the following morn'. By then, the effects of the labor had worn on me and my body and Bodie, too. Bodie made his debut at 11:15am on a chilly Friday morning.

I was worried that I would not have room in my heart to love another babe. Oh, but I did. David did. Jack did, too. Bodie was just what we needed in our family, we just didn't know how much we needed him.

Bodie some of my favorite things about your little personality are:

~You always wake up happy and bounding with energy.

~You always want to be with Jack, playing with him, sharing a bedroom and a bedtime with him. "Where's Jack?" is always your first question when you wake up. :)

~You are very sad when he goes to school:
"My Jack--key, MY Jack-key, Mommy that's not nice!!" (pooches lips. ;))

~You will flirt with anyone who will give you eye contact and you are so sweet and friendly. An expert in wooing ladies. (uh, oh.) Just ask your Aunt Danielle the first thing you ever said to her.

~You are the fastest, happiest eater this side of Texas. You can almost finish dinner before everyone sits down. You also love to eat with your hands, like Mowgli in the "Jungle Book." And, you love bread just like your mommy.

~We bought a back up blankie for you and Jack had a blanket that looked similar to yours, so now you basically carry 3 blankies around. And you love that. Your dad loved his blankie and is very proud that you and Jack are blankie carrying members of the family.

~Daddy and I named you after a little town in Northern California that we visited on our honeymoon. We were leaving the state park there in Bodie, California and we looked at each other in 2001 and said, "we should name our second son, Bodie." (I thought to myself, I hope we have a 2nd son!) If there ever was a "Bodie," you are one. Your name sums up your sunshine and your personality. I love your name. I love you!

Thank you for being that gift, Bodie Marc. We love you more than these words could ever express. I just wanted you to know that now my heart overflows with love for you today and everyday.

I love you, darlin'~

mommy

super hero among us

2009-11-13T14:44:00.009-05:00

... This morning Jack and I were in the car, just he and I. It was early and Bodie had just been dropped off at preschool. This song was on the radio.

Jack says to me from the back seat, "Mommy I wish they made a daddy super hero, wouldn't that be cool? A super hero who loves his girl?"

(Me) "A super hero like daddy, Jack?" adjusting my rear view mirror to look at his face.

He looks to the side and smiles, "Yeah!" nodding his head.

My mommy heart melted and my wife heart melted and my Rebekah heart melted, too. I fell in love with David 14 years ago this month and that's when I met him, too. I fell in love right away. So soon that I think I don't remember knowing David without being totally in love with him. He is brilliant, kind, thoughtful, understanding, a friend and just gorgeous.

It's so cool to love, admire and respect your man, your husband, your mate. A whole new layer of love happens when your children feel unexplainable respect and love for their dad who is that lover and friend that still moves you.

David will take Jack and Bodie anywhere, he wants them with him. He expects them to behave and they do, they trounce through every store, onto boats, onto soccer fields. Wherever he is, they are elated to be following him and likewise.

They ask him all of the time, "Daddy, do you need our help?" He folds them into every part of what he does, the things he enjoys, the life he lives. And, that catch phrase is his catch phrase. He asks them to "help him" make waffles, rake leaves, wash the car, turn the car around- it doesn't really matter. He makes those 2 little boys an extension of him.

He is a super hero, a super hero I now share with the luckiest two little boys in the world. But, he would say that he is the luckiest, to have two little boys named Jack and Bodie. Another reason why he is a super hero to us all.

;)

fresh from heaven

2009-10-21T15:21:00.017-04:00

I am a twin, and no other twins have been born in our family since my sister and I. That is until October 19, 2009.

My sister in law, Denese and my brother, Andrew had twins this week. Mmmmmm. Lynda Mae and Lance Milton are fresh from heaven, touched by God and sweet as sugar muffins. Mae is named for Denese's mother, who lost her battle with cancer just before Andrew met her in 2001. Lance Milton, who shares the same initials, is named after our dad, Milton.

Ah, I love them.

Denese, Lance and Mae :)

My sister in law, Denese has been on bed rest for about 2 months. More specifically in the hospital on bed rest for the past 3 weeks with a very serious condition, vasa praevia.
The condition was kind of diagnosed by accident. Of course, there was no accident and we thank God for this miracle that spared the life of "baby A" who we now know as sweet baby Mae. If her mommy had gone into labor, her life would have been at imminent risk. It was such a relief when these twins arrived here safely on Monday. Words do not begin to describe how relieved we all are.

My daddy, me, Baby Mae, Baby Lance and my brother Andrew (daddy)

Andrew, our mother (nana) and my older brother David with Baby Mae

Mae & Lance
Aunt Beka is a
hogging them!

"I want them both!" Everyone was laughing at me. I held them tight and they were sleeping, hearing the angels whisper as they smiled in their sleep.

Mae & Lance

It was time for me to leave, holding the babes, I said, "Andrew, can I put them both in the bassinet together?" He smiled, "Bek, you can do whatever you want..."
Of course, I couldn't wait to get them snuggled together, back into that original position that has been so familiar for the past 35 weeks.
Side by side, what could be sweeter? (sigh.)

twice the blessing, sent from God.

Mae and Lance,

The best thing about being a twin is that you are never alone and even when you think you are, the truth is, your twin is always there. You always have someone to turn to. You always have a friend who "remembers..." Your history will be the same, your upbringing will be the same, your nurturing will be the same and your appreciation of all of these similarities will only grow. Aunt Beka and Aunt Mary will gobble you up, at every possible opportunity and understand in only a way that we could when you wince as "they" call you "the twins."

:)

Love you so!
Aunt Bek

return policy

2009-10-15T09:49:00.006-04:00

There are things that "they" tell you about parenthood that you take for granted. You hear it all the time and you think- "that will never happen to me"... and then it does.
We have a collection of trains and train tracks at our house and it is a point of contention between these two little boys of mine.

I hesitate to "get the trains out" because Jack gets so frustrated with Bodie while playing with the set. Jack doesn't like the way Bodie demolishes the tracks, Jack hoards all of the trains, etc. I sometimes feel like I need a whistle to referee. (no fun for mom.)

David (their engineer daddy/hero) helped them make a very complicated, cool train track last night and it was still intact this morning. Jack quietly got up and had a great time playing before Bodie was up.

Here's comes Bodie (also known as Godzilla.) He is a sweet kid, don't get me wrong, he just wrecks things like any good 1 year old does...

Bodie immediately comes into the living room wreaking havoc on Jack's "me time" where he is silently enjoying the masterpiece.

Mommy: (seeing a catastrophe of minor proportions on the horizon) Come with me, let's get ready for school.

Jack: UGH!!! MOMMY! Bodie is wrecking the train track and stealing all of my engines!!

Mommy: Jack, it's OK, he can play for a minute, let's get ready for school.

Jack: I THINK WE NEED TO TAKE BODIE BACK!!!!

(pauses, wheels spinning... looks back at mommy) Where did you get us?

Mommy: Jack, God gave you to us, he put you guys in mommy's tummy until you grew and were big enough to be born.

Jack: It's time to give Bodie back.

Mommy: Jack, that would make Jesus very sad, Bodie is a very special gift from Him and so are you. Besides, we can't give him back anyhow, it doesn't work like that. You can't take people back.

Jack seemed to huff a little bit, but relaxed and agreed we should just keep Bodie.
(what a relief)

This morning my friend Amy and I were giggling about the whole situation on the phone. Amy pointed out that the 90 days had lapsed, my receipt was expired. Bodie was here to stay, oh well! :) Guess we'll keep him.

Thank goodness!

road work ahead

2009-10-10T10:29:00.005-04:00

This little journal is so helpful for me. I process here and I document here. I learn.

This week was just like any other, we were rolling along, no worries. I received a note from Jack's teacher asking for a picture of something orange for the class bulletin board. That night, we chatted with Jack about all things orange and David pointed out the "Road Work Ahead" sign to Jack. I printed a photo of the sign and sent it to Jack's teacher for the bulletin board.

Yesterday, I planned a really fun outing (or what I thought would be fun) to go to the pottery firing shop with my mother and Jack and paint a piece. Very cool, right? Well, there were a lot of rules and corrections and toward the end of the outing, Jack broke down. He had the worst meltdown of his life to date. Somehow, my fun outing -- was no fun at all. Low blood sugar? Fatigue? Brattiness? I don't know. I tried talking to Jack, down on his level, hugging him, loving him. He had come undone. Nothing could help, nothing worked.

As a mother, I try to listen, balance my gut instinct with their needs, crouch down and talk and not tower over, explain all the while, and love. Love with everything I am.

Our little struggle made me think about that sign again and how much responsibility we have as parents. There is a very long list of requirements, an almost overwhelming amount of "givens." Then comes the extra road work and the "out of nowhere" meltdowns of cataclysmic proportions.

No matter the road work, no matter the dilemma, I love them. I will be there. Donning my hard hat for the road work ahead.

our baby goes to school

2009-09-27T01:38:00.010-04:00

Bodie began school. My little darlin'-how can this be? I am still having mixed mommy emotions about the whole situation. He is too little, he loves me, needs me. What to do??? :)

He LOVES it, well mostly... He is still adjusting, needing his blankie tied around him like a togo to get through the day. For the few hours he is at school, I get to have a special day with Jackie Boy. Which is great for both of us. It's fun to know your kids as individuals and get to spend quality time with them that way.

I love these guys.

Bodie's first day of school - September 2009

The red brick building, Bodie's preschool- Jack just outgrew. :*(

Bodie cuteness

New surroundings

Oghhh, so sweet!

Baby Bodie,

Mommy and Daddy are excited you are starting school! It will be fun for you to go one day a week and have fun playing, learning and loving every minute of it! On your first day, Jack cried that you were gone and begged to go back and get you for an hour and half until I gave in. ;)

We love you so!
Mommy

the mommy principle

2009-09-27T00:53:00.010-04:00

The following bits and pieces of my history may not mean a darn thing to anyone but me. I don't know... It may sound silly but a little dream came true for me this week. For us.

When David and I moved to Decatur 5 short years ago, we would walk to the square as we began a ritual that we still love. On our walks, accompanied by our 2 year old niece, we would walk past this old, stone, Methodist church (circa 1899)- now the preschool building. There are hand prints from the 1977 kindergarten class in the concrete sidewalk out front and Audg would always put her little hands inside the prints.

David and I would muse that "maybe one day, our children can go to school here." Last year, Jack began at the primary preschool for toddlers that feeds into this preschool across the street (the street being our street E. Ponce.) Bodie just began at the "new" building (new meaning only 50+years old.) :)

Jack and Bodie's preschool program is 55 years old, which is incredible to me. Our director was in preschool there and grew up in the church and I think she is in her 50's.

Anyhow, I had been into the school several times with Jack but on his first full day, I was posed to pick him up in the car pool line.

I was there early as I was cautioned by my sis that carpool can be very competitive and I didn't want Jack waiting, wondering about mommy.

His school is on a city block and there is no parking anywhere, so I circled the city block 4 times until... promptly at noon, the doors opened. Parents on the street and in their cars held up their huge, laminated, carpool numbers.

I leaned across my driver's seat to look out the passenger's window and in that moment- I embodied my mother, in carpool, stretching across the seat to look out the passenger's window to see her children and talk with the teacher. Wow. I caught my breath. I had the sunglasses on and everything. I was mom, my mom.

I pulled myself together just in time to lose it again.

As he walks down, I think of this little idea, of our child in this school, before we had kids, before we knew Decatur, before we were Jack's family. Here he comes and I was overwhelmed by God's gifts and His grace. This little body- embodies everything that matters to me. To us.

Jack walks out, his head on a swivel and he sees me and a huge smile adorns his little face. He looks microscopic in front of this big school. He starts walking down the steps and I hope he doesn't fall. His teacher safely replaces him in our car and assures me that he is doing great and had a fun day.

I didn't have my camera when the tears came at noon, but later that day, Jack and I walked down to capture the memory of his school and mommy's recognition of a dream and hope realized.

The hand-prints

Jack's school :)

A little guy who I imagined enrolled here one day, just because.

Be careful, darlin'

My Jack

Dear Jack,

I hope that you enjoy every minute you have to laugh and play and be three. On your first day, Bodie and I walked out of the building. I picked Bodie up and he laid his head on my shoulder and he began to cry, softly and slowly he cried, "mmmmyyyyyyy Jaaaaaccckk, mmmmmyyyyyy Jaaaaccccckkkk." It was so sweet and I knew he was going to miss you. He had never said these words before and I was surprised to hear them and at the same time completely understood.

Mommy and Daddy love you so much and we are so proud of everything you are learning. You are so smart!!! We hope preschool will give you a sense of individuality, connecting with your peers and having fun!

I know that this fun milestone is only the beginning.

I love you so,
Mommy

sushi

2009-09-27T00:41:00.007-04:00

she asked him out to dinner and he said "yes"
he then insisted on a Sushi dinner (really??)
she was already in the car with him, no where to run, no where to hide.
she thought she must have the wrong guy, or-
maybe he had the wrong girl
she ate sushi and she survived
she hopes she scored major points with him.
the end.

(if you love sushi, i'm sorry, i really can't feel you on this one.)

Tuesday

2009-09-22T14:15:00.013-04:00

Tuesdays are interesting days for me and for us as a family (me, J and B.)
After working Sat, Sun, Mon, I am just getting back into the swing of being home. Getting reconnected with my sons and putting my hands back on my house, laundry, starting my shopping list for the week, refilling the soap bottles in the bathroom, whatever is needed, etc. It is a catch up day all around. It isn't without it's challenges or rewards...

Jack and I were about to get him tucked in for a little nap at noon today.

Mom: Jack, we need to clean your nose, buddy.

Jack: Do we need to take it off and clean it?

Mom: No, we can't take it off, we need a tissue, darlin'.

(later)

Mom: My lip hurts, ouch, I must have bumped it. (on one of my children's heads.)

Jack: Can you take your lips off and kiss your lip?

Mom: Jack, mommy can't take off your nose and she can't take off her lips. Your body doesn't have parts that are removable, we can't take parts off, you know?

(silence)

wheels in Jack's head are turning, you can tell.

Jack: Mommy, why can Baba take her eye out if you can take parts off of your body? Her eye is all wrong.

(Mom: Laughing hysterically at something that isn't funny.)

Jack: (smiling) Mommy why are you laughing?

Mom: Because, that's a great question, buddy and I don't know what to say.

Jack: Oh?!

Mom: You know how Baba is really old? Well, you are 3, mommy is 34 and Baba is 88!!!! Well, one of her eye's was very sick and it was making her very sick and they had to take it out. It's ok because Baba is still alive and here with us.

Jack: How did they take it out?

Mommy: (speechless. silence.) I am not sure Jack. It was just awful, but Baba is ok now.

Jack: (wheels are spinning again, you can just tell.) Are you going to get old?

Mom: Yes! I already am!!!!

Jack: NO!!!!! I don't want you to get old!!! (whining) You can't get old, mommy!!!

Mom: Laughing...

Jack: Mommy, will I get old?

Mom: Yes, but not for a really long time. (Jack is whining loudly, "NO!!") First, Pop and Gran, Nana and Papa and Mommy and Daddy have to get old.

Pauses, silence, those wheels again...

Jack: I want to see that eye of hers, that goes like this. (he smashes his eyelid over his eye.)

(grabbing Jackie, hugging and kissing him.)

I love him so much. My two sons are almost more than I can take in, so beautiful, so curious, so irresistible, so wonderful, my precious gifts. I know I say that all the time. But, its a point that can't be overstated. :)

Our sweet Baba, me and my little guys.

My mother and Baba on our last visit to see her.

Sloaney sharing her inner most thoughts and Baba listening intently.

Baba is such a beautiful lady, past present and future. I love her to pieces! She is the definition of a wonderful grandmother who always was there for us, active in our lives and as honest as the the day was long. I love you, Baba!

11 September 2009

2009-09-11T07:19:00.004-04:00

It is September 11th. Again. Eight years ago, I was a very naive 26 year old newly wed. I was a flight attendant with Delta, on call all day, awaiting a call- to fly anywhere they sent me and due to go to the airport in a few hours.

9am: I was watching the Today Show that morning. A jet flies into the WTC and my mouth was wide open. Matt Lauer suspected a commuter jet was off course, I knew it was a Boeing 767. Then another jet into WTC I, then the Petagon, then the field in Pennsylvania. Planes loaded with jet fuel, the planes I worked on... My home away from home. In the days and weeks to come, I flew all over the world, scared to death, scared for my life.

The anniversary arrives again, oh my and I remember. My life completely changed that day and I became aware that when I walked onto a plane as a crewmember, I had to be willing to fight for my life.

I was preoccupied about where they would attack next, when I flew in and out of New York in the coming days, I suspected the Empire State Building was next. I would walk down the aisles of the plane when I would work the 767 and imagine the wing span (170 feet wide), the huge fuel capacity (24,000 gallons.) It was a bomb. This was a bomb I worked on each day.

I never reconciled this feeling, the feeling I still have today. A feeling of why, a feeling of "how could they?", a feeling of pride. In days that followed there were rampant reports of middle easterners relocating. I saw many on my flights and I feared for their immediate motives and for my safety. My mother literally prayed for each flight on the phone with me between legs. She feared for my safety and looked forward to hearing from me as often as possible. When she did not catch me on the phone, she prayed on my voicemail. She was on her knees. As a young mother myself, I am beginning to understand how she must have felt.

One afternoon while working a transcontinental flight (NYC to L.A.), a Muslim man in full dress, Turban and all- tapped on my shoulder. I turned around and as he asked my where the lavatory was, I froze. Was this a trick question? There were signs everywhere... I could not speak. After about 15 seconds where all that passed between us was the sound of the jumbo jet climbing to cruising altitude, I pointed to the nearest lav.

I remember closing myself in another lavatory and checking my reflection. I wondered if I could do it, if I could move on. Then I knew that these attackers, these monsters who were really just cowards wanted me to feel this way. So I flew and I flew and I talked to people all over the country about what happened and I lived in fear for what was next.

We have gone 8 years without another attack on U.S. soil. I am thankful for all of the servicemen and woman who work to keep our country safe from harm. All of the lives that are sacrificed each day in the Middle East.

I will always remember, I will never forget you.

shushes

2009-08-28T09:33:00.006-04:00

I was holding Bodie, like a baby, curdled in my arms. (He will tolerate a little of this.)

I said, "Bodie, can I sing to you?" He answered in his quintessential Bodie voice. "Yaah." (yes ma'am?)

I started to sing, "mommy loves you, daddy loves you..." He smiled for a second and then...

Bodie held his little finger up to his lips, "Shhhh!" He said with a smile.

We both giggled, cuter than cute. I started again, singing our song, (surely that was a mistake.) Again he raised his little index finger, "Shhhh!" He giggled and held a grin.

If you were unsure about your singing, well now you know. Your little baby shushed you.

I didn't realize he knew what a shush was. Oh, does he!

musings

2009-08-25T23:17:00.012-04:00

For every semi-overwhelming bump inside mothering, there are many more endearing moments that make you want to sing and smile. Here are just a couple of things I want to chronicle about my two sons, things I never want to forget...
(write it down, as my mother would say)

Here they are, posing during their Saturday morning ritual, waffle making! They are too sweet and so is their daddy for always making delicious breakfasts by request.

sillyness.

Very elaborate train tracks that are built when Daddy is at the helm.

Our little spark plug, *Bodie*

This morning Bodie woke up (darlin') and had his breakfast, it was time for another diaper change. I was getting him up off of the changing table, fresh diaper and all... He said, "night, night!" And he grabbed his blue blankie. He said, "paci!" And he grabbed his pacifier. He said, "My Mommy!" emphatically and he buried his head in my shoulder and hugged me with all he had. And, at that moment, I could have just gone to heaven, my life was complete.

Jack slept in after getting sick on Friday morning and he was still a bit quiet and just getting up and adjusted to the day. (The 30 seconds almost every kid goes through during their first moments of wakefulness.) Bodie was already in full Bodie-mode and he was running through the house, as he does. Jack was sitting on the kitchen floor and he was just watching Bodie.

He then looked at me and said, "Mommy, how come you and Daddy don't like bad and me and Bodie like bad so much?!"

Isn't that philosophical of him? Wow! I laughed so hard! What a great question. My answer, "Jack, that's just human nature, babe. Sometimes it feels good to be bad, but it never is, though. We're going to keep workin' on it, okay?"

(Sweet guys of mine)

headed for the hills

2009-08-21T11:54:00.007-04:00

This week has totally wiped my out, mommy wise. I don't know why, it isn't really rational, I know. It just seems hard. I read this article today and tears welled up in my eyes. I don't feel like I have the right to be overwhelmed, but I am. I felt so understood when I read this article, even though I don't have any friends that aren't understanding and supportive.

The only thing that Carolyn left out is the endless shopping lists and trips to the store and the stress of keeping the house stocked with all the 1000 necessities toddlers need.

I really want to be good at my job and being a mother and being Rebekah. I still want to use snail mail to write beautiful notes, sew my favorite creations and cook the coolest dishes that I love trying out. I want to be engaged with all my siblings, friends, mother and father. I want to be present, available and close. I want to be caught up and then life happens.

Balance is this never ending pursuit. But I will be perusing it till I have no breath. Because I will be me. I insist.

The article in both versions from The Washington Post:

TELL ME ABOUT IT ®

By Carolyn Hax
Wednesday, May 23, 2007; C10

Carolyn:

Best friend has child. Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc. Me (no kids): Wow. Sorry. What'd you do today? Her: Park, play group . . .

Okay. I've done Internet searches, I've talked to parents. I don't get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners . . . I do all those things, too, and I don't do them EVERY DAY. I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events) and I manage to get it all done. I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy -- not a bad thing at all -- but if so, why won't my friend tell me the truth? Is this a peeing contest ("My life is so much harder than yours")? What's the deal? I've got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks get the same story and have the same questions.

Tacoma, Wash.

Relax and enjoy. You're funny.

Or you're lying about having friends with kids.

Or you're taking them at their word that they actually have kids, because you haven't personally been in the same room with them.

Internet searches?

I keep wavering between giving you a straight answer and giving my forehead some keyboard. To claim you want to understand, while in the same breath implying that the only logical conclusions are that your mom-friends are either lying or competing with you, is disingenuous indeed.

So, since it's validation you seem to want, the real answer is what you get. In list form. When you have young kids, your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, clean, dressed; to keeping them out of harm's way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys, and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any one of which produces the kind of checkout-line screaming that gets the checkout line shaking its head.

It's needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15.

It's constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier.

It's constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family and friends, well-meaning and otherwise. It's resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense.

It's doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything -- language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity. Empathy. Everything.

It's also a choice, yes. And a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy, and then, when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend, a good friend wouldn't judge you, complain about you to mutual friends, or marvel how much more productively she uses her time. Either make a sincere effort to understand or keep your snit to yourself.

Write to Tell Me About It, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, ortellme@washpost.com.

fast forward

2009-08-01T08:37:00.011-04:00

It's August, girls, here we go. I wanted to thank Beyonce. She was totally firing me up at 6am this morning. I love her. I am so glad for a hip hoppy iPod, too! It was an update that was a LONG time coming!

This morning, I told David that I always wake up at 5am (without the aid of the alarm) and think about running, feel the urge to run, and argue with myself about running.

My new strategy - my new prayer is to fast forward. I layed there, crampy and uncomfortable and then fast forwarded myself to the feeling of running back onto my porch with a fast heart rate and a cardio glow.

(ok, self, I'm in.)

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, uh, uh, uh! Love you, B.

(mare, thanks for the added inspiration, you look great!)

dreamy

2009-07-31T09:51:00.003-04:00

David and I lapped up our little Bodie buddy last night. Jack went to spend the night with his cousins and we had a chance to see Bodie's personality shine.

I finally revamped my iPod, with a little inspiration from my friend, Lisa. Bodie was eternally grateful as he listened to the radio version of "Boom, Boom, Pow." Eat your heart out, Fergie!

it has to be said

2009-07-30T20:47:00.004-04:00

I wish I had as much energy as the housefly buzzing past my head.

To the person who drives down the highway, slowly, in front of me with an endless turn signal flashing--- you drive me nuts. They want to get over, they haven't forgotten, but they just can't seem to decide whether or not they like their chances.

On July 30th, I always want to put the breaks on and slow August's arrival down.
Funny, 15 years ago, I wanted to speed it up.

I always miss my sister, even after I have just talked to her for an hour.

Our "postperson" drives me nuts, we get everybody's random mail on Ponce. But, I have had fun meeting people while tracking down where the mail belongs. I have no faith in you Mister mailperson!

Potty training. SHeesh! Jack really doesn't want to be reminded to pee. Which puts me in quite the predicament. Can't wait for Bodie's turn.

Laundry, sippy cups, laundry, sippy cups, laundry, sippy cups-sleep... repeat.

It really will all be okay. Eventually.

To three or not to three, that is the question.

I drive myself nuts most of the time.

I don't understand the fascination with everything teenie bop and Disney, blech.

I am always aching for a mani pedi. My mani pedi never comes.

You have no idea how much I hate mosquitoes and I am preoccupied by their prowl every time I walk outside. They love me, they bite me, our backyard is their happiest place on earth. A question for God one day. Why the mosquito and what about me is so mosquito friendly?

(sigh) I feel so much better.

tonka

2009-07-30T16:23:00.004-04:00

Jack, my green eyed boy, he keeps me on my toes. We have the best talks right before nap time each day. He always finds a toy to sleep with and I always find something about that to melt my heart. (Tuesday it was a banana, yesterday - a Falcons cap and shirt, today- Tonka.)

About a month ago we rewarded Jack and bought a new toy firetruck from Toys 'r' us because he was doing so well using the big boy potty and big boy underwear. Yesterday, we added an ambulance to the list of emergency vehicles, reasoning that this is much cheaper than Pull-Ups.

And, so far, much more effective. (Jack thinks that if he falters at potty training, the toys go back to the store, and we have not argued with his logic.) He is doing remarkably well and positive reinforcement seems to be working-knock on wood.

Today before naptime:

Jack: Mommy, who is Tonka?

me: Tonka is the name of your truck, it's a brand, Tonka. Tonka made your truck.

Jack: Is Tonka a boy or a girl?

(roll with it, mom, I thought.)

me: Tonka is a boy, definitely.

Jack: Where does Tonka live?

(hmm?)

me: In Tonkaland.

Jack: What?

me: Let's call daddy, Jack, this is beyond my level of expertise.

.

the girls

2009-07-29T08:26:00.005-04:00

This began the Neil Young debate, if you're curious, check it out:

http://www.charlierose.com/view/interview/1523

.

.

.

Neil Young

2009-07-26T09:47:00.015-04:00

I heard Amy Ray interviewed, she said that Neil Young was her "biggest musical inspiration," among other interesting facts.

To all of you who adore Neil Young, I am sorry.

Neil Young. I tend to agree with Lynyrd Skynyrd when it comes to Neil Young, "a southern man don't need him around anyhow."

Does he sound like a stuck kitty cat? Whining and carrying on/singing? Not my fave.

So, Neil Young's "Sugar Mountain" came on while I was driving to work this morning. I thought I would take a minute to sit back, relax and listen. I thought, "biggest inspiration?" Hhhmmmmmm... my conclusion...

I always liked Emily better anyhow.
Her biggest inspiration, Stevie Wonder.

I love Emily.

manners, please...

2009-07-15T22:18:00.008-04:00

Manners are very important to me. I may not always use the best manners, but believe me, I'm trying. I was first introduced to Emily Post's take on etiquette as a young lady, age 19. Leslie, my sister in law, and older sister since age 11, gifted this book to me for Christmas and I soaked in every page. I am not sure how or why she knew I would love it. I am a goody two shoes, what can I say? I loved and still love this book and consult it whenever I feel unsure of the "right" way to employ etiquette.

When I was pregnant with Jack, my dear friend Erin bought me this book. "How to Raise a Gentleman" by Kay West.

The gist of the book basically begins by laying a framework for manners and gentleman like behavior.

West states, "You know you are raising a gentleman if he uses, "please," "thank you," and "excuse me" on a consistent basis.
___________

He speaks when spoken to.

___________

He doesn't point out other children's lack of manners
___________

When he doesn't understand something, he simply says, "Excuse me?" or
"Would you repeat that?"

I remember thinking, in my pre toddler naivete, "well... at the very least!"
Please, thank you, excuse me? Seriously? That's it? Come on?!

Boy oh boy! And, I do mean "boy oh boy!!!"

My children, God bless them. David and I consistently, without fail, annoyingly remind our kids to use their manners. "May I have a cookie, please?" David and I encourage and remind Jack, especially and Bodie now, too, because he is beginning to string sentences together, to use their manners.

David and I also try to model good manners and always say "please, thank you and excuse me" to our children. We respect our children and expect the same in return.

Tonight, in the bath tub, Jack said to Bodie, "Move!"

Here I go again, "Jack that wasn't very friendly was it? Could we try saying, 'excuse me, Bodie, may I get by, please?'"

He always repeats our suggestions for a reworded phrase- that's manner filled. Which sounds infinitely sweeter coming from his little mouth and darling voice.

Also, it comes from the top, down. I am working to model phrases that I would only want Jack and Bodie to sound appropriate repeating. Because they will and I can't have my own faltering etiquette undoing all of this hard work.

At the end of the day, Jack and Bodie are wonderful children. But the use of manners does not come automatically, it takes repetition and practice. They will be growing up with a lot of shaping and pruning. They will be tended to a thousand times a day and good manners will be reinforced and encouraged. Who knows? Cotillion may be in their future and at the very least, we are shooting for two boys who may be classified as gentleman.

magic

2009-07-14T10:19:00.020-04:00

I know every parent (well, most parents) worship their kids. Every child should be loved and adored. David and I are no different, we celebrate our kids- together. I love this about David. I love all of those knowing glances we exchange as we take in the magic that our kids bring to our lives and our family. Sometimes, it's chaos, of course. But, when those little magical moments happen, I want to freeze time and remember them, each one of them and just camp their for a minute- taking it all in.

Sweet feet

This is a photo of Jack's right foot, a self portrait, actually. He has a little mole on his pinky toe, it matches his dad's little mole on the same foot, same toe. Jack is David's little clone. Through and through.

Jack is behind the camera again. I always find these crazy shots. It's obvious that Jack is behind the camera, as evidence by the ceiling being in the photo. :)

David is behind the camera in this silly shot, I am sure. I found 10 photos from this little session. How adorable is my Jackie boy? So deep in thought.

In contrast with this photo, he's letting his inner Jack out, here.

2 nights ago, Jack and I were reading a book and there were drawings of all kinds of firetrucks. He pointed to a little red car, marked, "CHIEF."

Jack said, "Mommy is that a fire truck, too?" I said, "well, Jack, that is what the fire chief drives. Do you remember the chief? He is the man you gave your pacifiers to at the fire station?"

Jack looked thoughtful, "Oh?" He put his finger over his lips, "why did I give my pacies to the chief, again?" (a question he often asks.)

"Well, you are a big boy and the fire chief needed your pacies to give them to the little babies in Decatur who don't have any pacifiers."

"Babies like Bodie, mommy?"

I shook my head, "little babies."

Jack put both of his hands on the top of his head, and with his squeaky voice, he said, "The little guys with those round heads, Mommy?"

I giggled to myself, "Yes, Jack- exactly!"

David should win an Academy Award for all of the acting he does with Jack and Bodie. He works to make their daily lives an incredible experience.

Last night, Jack said to his dad:

"Daddy, nice to meet cha'!"

Bodie said, in his loud 19 month old voice, "Da-DEE!!!"
David: "Yes, Bodie-Buddy."
(he stuck his hand out to shake hands)
"NICE TO MEET CHOOOooo!" he said emphatically, with a huge smile. David and I shared that little, proud moment. I love those moments.

Just before bedtime last night, David, Jack and I all had a small piece of chocolate. I said to Jack, "you have some chocolate on your mouth." He said, "you do, too, mommy! I'll go get a wipe."
He ran back into the room, and said, "I want to wipe your face, Mommy!" I obliged and he wiped my mouth pretty well, actually.

"Jack, you're going to make a great daddy one day!" He said, "I am going to be a daddy?" I said, "Yes, one day and you're going to make an awesome husband and daddy!" (Not for 25 years, I hope. But, we will have that talk later with him.)

He climbed in David's arms and his dad said to him, "Jack, what kind of daddy do you want to be." We were ready for any kind of answer, honestly.

Jack said, "Daddy, I want to be a daddy just like you!"

Then, there it was, a knowing, admiring moment that every loving parent knows.

It's magic.

time for bed

2009-07-10T23:52:00.005-04:00

It's time for bed, but I have lots of things circling in my head... Today, my grandfather, who we called Paw Paw, would have been 90 years old. He died in 2003; survived by my grandmother who still aches with loss and misses him, every day.

I go back to work tomorrow for a 3 day stint and I wonder what I will encounter and how I can help.

I am thankful that Bodie's check up and stitches were all taken care of today- without a hitch, I love our pediatrician times a million. Everyone should have a pediatrician they love and trust implicitly.

I now cringe when Bodie takes off running. In time, I know I will get over this, everything will be okay, I tell myself. Just a little gun shy, I suppose.

David and I have joked about getting Bodie a football helmet to wear around the house or the plastic bubble idea. We haven't been those kind of parents and I don't want to be. Although, now, I can see the advantage.

The best part about this summer would have to be that my sons and my twin sister's daughters are together as much as humanly possible and then some. We have seen them day and night, night and day. They always leave each other yearning for more, bargaining for another moment to stay.

We had a cousin sleep over last week, I offered a "WALL-E" viewing party, with popcorn. David insisted we watch the movie in a tent, pitched in our living room. It is so fun to make memories and for one day, our 4 children to recount together- "remember the time we..."

I love it.

putting bodie back together again

2009-07-08T23:00:00.014-04:00

Sweet Bodie Buddy... This is our 4th of July story.

We went to watch the fireworks Saturday night on the square in our little town. We walked, taking the double stroller. It was just the 4 of us and we had a great time and quietly walked back home, headed to bed.

Bodie and Jack had already taken their baths before the fireworks and Bodie had taken a 2 hour nap (5-7pm) to rest up for the festivities that began at 9:30/sundown. Bedtime was pushed back, but we had planned for that, you know.

Bodie and Jack were a little rambunctious when we arrived home, they were being silly and running around. Jack came and stood beside me, waiting for his glass of milk. Bodie ran through the house again and ran directly into a corner of the wall in our kitchen. He screamed and David and I both knew the implications, immediately. We scooped him up and wiped the blood from his sweet face- we were inevitably headed back to Egleston Children's Hospital. Bodie, David and I had been there one week before when Bodie fell and hit his head on our kitchen chair and had his eyebrow cut open.

As I say, rinse and repeat.

I assured David I would go to the hospital, I wouldn't miss it for anything. He encouraged me to keep Jack and rest while he went to the hospital with Bodie. "You have to work tomorrow morning, let me go!" (Rest? Not likely.) He offered over and over, sweet guy.

No one is going to take needles or any medical intervention to my child without me there. I will go, every time. I am just like my mom, what can I say? I told David, "I am fine, I will take him even if I don't sleep tonight. I am a Hudgins, this is what we do, we go." :) It's like breathing, automatic and naturally what I need to do.

By this time, it is about 10:45pm, I called my mother. She offered to meet me at Egleston, which I quickly agreed to. (Thank you, mother.)

David asked me to call him and keep him updated all along the way. I realized neither one of us were going to sleep that night.

I called him when I got into the triage waiting room and asked him to come join me in the ER. He obliged and asked mom to come and relieve him at our house to enable him to meet us at the hospital. Shortly, Daddy arrived. Bodie was asleep in my arms. We were waiting to see the doctor.

When she arrived, she seemed very nice, but totally scattered. We thought nothing of it. She recommended derma bond or glue to hold the wound together instead of stitches, fearing infection.

She consulted with her attending physician who came into look at Bodie and thought glue was a bad idea because the cut was in the eyebrow. David agreed.

They wanted to consult with one more doc, Dr. Hirsh. He walked in (by this time it was about 2 am) I recognized him as the doctor who treated Jack for dehydration during a bout with strep 2 years ago. I told him I remembered him and that I thought he had a son who was exactly Jack's age. He was very kind and made sure I left happy before with Jack. He reminds me of John Mayer, tall, dark, a bit quirky and but lovable.

Dr. Hirsh recommended the glue or derma bond, he felt it was the best solution to avoid a "non-ideal scare." We agreed. The resident came back in- after what seemed like forever. She started the procedure without a nurse and David and I were helping her hold Bodie down on the bed. She put Vaseline all over Bodie's eye to keep the derma bond from sticking anywhere but on the wound.

She then put glue all in the wound and then began to try to push the wound closed. Well, it was full of super glue and didn't close when she tried to push it together. Her gloves then stuck to his skin and she had to pull the gloves off, she again tried in vain to get the wound to close. It looked horrible and was much, much worse than it was when we arrived.

I looked at her and said, "it didn't work, did it?" She said, "well, it started to!" (pause, silence.) She started, "I need to go tell Dr. Hirsh and ask him what I should do now." (Dr. Hirsh is the Medical Director at Egleston.) Anyhow, we waited for what seemed like forever. Bodie's eyebrow felt like concrete. She comes back in and she says that Dr. Hirsh recommends getting the area very moist with ointment and then using steri strips and regluing. ("Great." I thought, just what we need, more glue.)

At that point, David started singing "Swing low sweet chariot..." to Bodie.

Ugh, it was awful. Only to get worse.

(I had a quiet, subtle, defiant moment thinking, "more glue? more ointment?") I said, "David feel his eyebrow, it feels like concrete, you can't moisten concrete."

2:45am The young (resident) doc came back in to do the procedure. We got started and David and I were holding Bodie down as she "moistened the area." I drew a deep breath.

"Dr. Hall, I don't want to offend you in any way, but I feel like Dr. Hirsh is recommending regluing and using steri strips, but he hasn't seen the wound again, in its' current state. I think it would be great if you guys could consult again and then decide what to do. I know as professionals you guys consult all of the time and if you could consult one more time about Bodie, I would feel so much better. Could Dr. Hirsh just come look at it again?"

She was very nice and whatever she was thinking, she told me she agreed with me and would get Dr. Hirsh. That took ages, too.

03:15am When he arrived, he knelt down and looked at Bodie. He tilted his head and said, "huh? We glued it open?!"

David said, "Yes, Dr. Hirsh, and I think we should just go home."

"Well," Dr. Hirsh began, "This will definitely be a non ideal scar if you do that. My wife would make me sleep on the couch for 6 months if I didn't make this right, if this were our son."

Looking at Bodie, he said, "what we will have to do is rip it all out, we will then give him local novacaine and then we will stitch it back together. It will feel like he is getting his eyebrow pulled out. It will hurt really bad, we will give him the novacaine before we stitch it back and it will be over. You guys will be out of here soon and have this over with."

David and I both looked shocked, I bet. Dr. Hirsh concluded, "this is what I would do if it were my son." At that point we trusted him completely.

He brought in a little team and they swaddled Bodie in a hospital blanket and went through his plan in lightening speed. He then said the wound was deeper than he thought. David said, "well, I guess it was good that we went ahead and had stitches done since the wound is deeper." Dr. Hirsh, mid stitch, said "no, it would have worked... if we had done it right." David laughed and said, "I guess I am just trying to find the silver lining." Dr. Hirsh laughed too and said, "there is none. This is what we call a 'cluster'." David howled and said, "is that the medical term for it?" Dr. Hirsh replied, "no, the medical term is 'thrashed'."

He won us over. Certainly. We laughed and laughed.

03:45am, we were happy to be headed home from Egleston, ready for bed. Bodie survived and we did, too. Wow, it wasn't easy for anyone, especially sweet Bodie who had a horrible procedure done to correct a mistake. He was tough, though, and he left there smiling.

I was so glad that I heard and listened to that "still, small voice" that made me call David. We needed to be there to consult on our job as parents to Bodie. He could have never explained the night to me, I could have never explained it to him. We did it together and I love David for getting dressed and coming to be with us, no questions asked. And, for my sweet, wonderful, devoted mother who made it possible.

Bodie will hopefully be fine. Pray for him to be safe and sound, stitch free and out of the ER. We get his stitches out on Friday, the same day he goes for his 18 month check up.

Jack, David and I are all looking out for Bodie and hoping to avoid another case of the Humpty Dumpty's. The Humpty Dumpty's totally stink.

God bless Bodie, God bless his guardian angel, too.

settling

2009-07-07T08:32:00.019-04:00

The past month feels a little like a blur. I have been working, it feels like non-stop, trying like mad to learn this job. (Some weeks working up to 40 hours, but mostly 32 hours.)

I feel better, since last Monday, I think it must have been. I am beginning to feel like I know what I am doing, understanding the process (and the 42 hundred details) which is an incredible stress reliever.

I am really totally uncomfortable not knowing what I am doing. And, when I arrived at the Peach, it felt like I had landed in a foreign country, where there was an acronym for everything. An acculturation process had to take place.

In the past week I have assessed a man age 50 and one 63 who were seeking drug treatment for the 1st time in their lives after 20+ years of dependence. Which is an incredible to me and an honor to be a part of.

I am just beginning my normal schedule, 3 days a week, 3 eight hour shifts. Saturday, Sunday, Monday.

Elan, our new sitter and friend is a wonderful addition to our lives and makes our Mondays brighter. The boys love her and so do we. :)

David has been a wonderful support to me during my transition into a working mom. He takes the boys with him to the lake every weekend and is ultra up to the challenge, very capable and can't get enough "daddy time." His energy is incredible. He makes my heart go "pitter patter."

Jack has had a bit of a tough time warming back up to me after his weekends of QT with his dad, a la carte. Which has been hard for me, but we are taking walks together, "snuggle bunching" (our special name for snuggling) and just making an effort to reconnect. E.W. assures me that Jack will get use to the schedule and settle into it and I think he's starting to.

Our Bodie. Bodie has an incredible amount of energy with a side of adventure. He isn't frightened of anything or anyone. He has this little zest for life, which endears him to me, David and Jack. He is a wonderful, happy part of our family.

This energy, this zest has taken us to Egleston Children's Hospital twice in one week. Bodie reopened his wound that had been stitched up 7 days earlier. He ran into a wall and poor guy... rinse and repeat.

David and I, unable to believe the reality of spending 4th of July night in the hospital, just exchanged knowing glances. ugh. The horrible reality got much, much worse. Our experience at Egleston was not smooth, at all, as we were dealing with a brand new resident whose inexperience ending up costing Bodie copious amounts of excruciating pain. (a whole other blog post in itself) We had to question the doc and call foul. Which was tough and tricky, but if you don't advocate for your child, who will?

We did it and together, we got through it. Mommy went to work on 2 hours of sleep. Tired, but no complaints, I would not have had it any other way.

I realize that it's only the beginning. But, we will be there, side by side with our children through it all. And, children automatically arrive committed to their people. It's innate. I love that about little ones.

All in all, we are settling. There for each other through the twists, turns and the upset, turned over apple cart. We're a family.

Today, the apple cart is all put back together again. thank goodness.

june thirtieth 2001

2009-06-30T22:23:00.015-04:00

Happy Anniversary, babe.

Today is infinitely special to me, it is the anniversary of the day I married my husband. I remember how grown I felt, to say the word, "husband, " it was so different and so new.

If you don't know my husband, I wish you could. He is the coolest person I have ever met to date. (I thought he was cool the first time I met him and I still think he is cool today.)

He is my best friend.
He is my barometer, I fall back on him.
He loves me.
He leads us.
He has this laid back heir about him, to our sons, he's superman.
He's very smart, he thinks of things in a way that only genius' do.
He has soccer legs, need I say more?
I love his hands, his arms, his adorable feet. I adore every bit of him.
He's gorgeous.
He does the dishes, he is on top of the laundry- always, he makes the coffee every morning.
He is the most unassuming, involved and capable father I have ever known.
He loves me.
He's my north star.
He's a leader everywhere he goes.
If we are in a group of people, he checks on my mother, holds her hand and checks to see how he can help her.
He made me a wife, he saw me through graduate school, career changes and now he and I confer on how best to parent.
He is a good friend, he cares about every small detail.
I love to overhear him explaining something to our children. He takes the time to explain a concept so thoroughly- it makes me smile and I love his style of fathering.
He anchors me.
I admire the way he helps people, he's always lending hand.
He makes me laugh all day long.
He pushes me, but in a really relaxed, supportive way.
I respect him.
He loves me in a way I can't begin to explain. I love him back with every bit of me.

Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters.
Margaret Peters

all good

2009-06-20T08:19:00.011-04:00

I love my dear friend's maiden name, it says it all. And, I am feeling "all good" this morning. What can I say? I think I am finding balance in my new job. Still looking for balance at home.

I have worked 3 full days so far this week and I am about to work 3 more. We have had sitters all week long, 4 times to be exact. We have an awesome sitter for J and B on Mondays, which David and I are thrilled about. With Mom and Mare's help with the boys, my official training is over, but I still have lots more to learn.

A couple of things about home... Jack felt much heavier this week when I returned home to my full time mom status. Which was startling to me. I didn't expect it. On Thursday, when I was back, Jack said (out of the blue) "it's nice that you don't have to go to work right now." smile. We changed shampoo and their hair smelled different, but I wasn't the one who washed it. Taking in the smell of their hair, as I always do, I was surprised to smell the new scent.

Arriving home at 7pm is a new thing for me. Believe it or not, mommy still has the final say on dinner plans. But, I whipped up a healthy dinner as fast as Rachael Ray. Working mom's are righteous. :)

I realized a new stress, David and I both get home totally worn out. We still have to work together and mesh, get the kids fed, bathed and to bed. This will only be our regular routine on Mondays, thank goodness. David and I laughed and said if we both worked 40 hours M-F, we wouldn't get along very well. He's right. I reminds me of shaking a coke, danger-danger...

This weekend is Father's Day and I am at work. Celebrating with David took place already. We took him out last night for some family fun. He and Jack both are now sporting new shoes, some retro tennis shoes which are adorable.

Tonight, after work we will see Daddy and tomorrow, after work, we will see the Vepraskas'.

I have a whole new life these days.

It's all good.

work, work, work

2009-06-17T00:18:00.006-04:00

I am 3 weeks into training at the Peach. Wow. I can only say that I did not realize how jarring this job can/would be. There is so much to learn, too. The paper trail is endless and I am overwhelmed at every angle. Some of the steps that are taken to check and recheck and to initial everywhere, document every detail, right down to the smallest item-- well, it seems almost like pretend sometimes, like playing office when I was a girl. It seems like every minute detail could not possibly be necessary, but it is. Peoples' lives depend on "you."

Today, while still in training, I assessed 2 women who had failed to end their lives and were coming to our hospital from local medical hospitals where their lives were saved after days in ICU. It was almost like talking with the dead. Women who wished and planned for death. One had tried overdosing on Tylenol, the other failed with her attempt at carbon monoxide poisoning.

Have you ever seen the movie "Sliding Doors?" Gwyneth Paltrow's character leads a life that goes down 2 different paths based on a split second detail being different. In her case making the train, or not making the train.

I thought about that today and I thought about how easily those women could have been gone forever. I also thought about the 2 people I know who were successful ending their lives in an identical manner as these women.

This was all very strange and surreal to process as I drove home at 7pm tonight.

When do you get use to that? When is it absolutely blasé, that only a nod is necessary for a response? Eventually, I know I will grow accustomed to the literal madness and the static won't sound so loud. But not today, today it was blaring in my ears.

eternally grateful

2009-06-12T07:48:00.002-04:00

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you," declares the LORD...

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV)

When I was 13, I chose this verse as my "life's verse." Mostly because of my Aunt Carole. She told me about choosing her life's verse, Psalms 121:1-2.

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills,

from whence cometh my help.

My help cometh from the LORD,

which made heaven and earth.

I thought this was especially neat because I remember the Reverend Mother quoting this scripture in "The Sound of Music."
And, I thought everyone should have a life's verse, including me.

I love Jeremiah 29, I always have. Today it feels especially salient to me. I am so grateful for God's plan for my life. I am overwhelmed that even when hope is lost and the future seems impossible, He prevails within me.

Thank you Father, my heart sings with joy today.